Another New Year's Resolution

by David Roche

We are already a few months into 2009 and spring is upon us. Here's a question you may want to ask yourself: how are you doing with your New Year’s resolution? Yes, I wanted to lose weight too but there may be more important resolutions that you can make even now - resolutions that can have a permanent effect on the most important relationship of your life.

Have you noticed that most of us make the same resolutions every year because we never quite achieve the resolution from the previous year? Last year I suggested that you eliminate all negativity in your relationship (in fact, you would be amazed how all relationships can be transformed if you eliminate all negativity). When I suggest eliminating all negativity, I don’t just mean eliminating criticism (or that famous “constructive criticism”, as if there was such a thing), I mean all negativity: negative acts, negative words, negative thoughts. No more shaming, blaming, criticizing, devaluing, putting-down, inattention, condescension or the silent treatment. Try replacing negativity with acknowledgement, acceptance, appreciation, adoration and advocacy of your partner’s 'otherness'.

Harville Hendrix recently updated the original version of Getting the Love You Want with the twentieth anniversary edition. I highly recommend that you get a copy and read it more than a few times. Chapter 11 has been entirely rewritten, including a new focus on eliminating negativity and some great additional thoughts:

Keep in mind that the goal is not to repress the feelings behind our negative thoughts and behaviors that would only add to our store of pent-up emotions, but rather to bring them out into the open and see them for what they are; a warning sign that some aspect of the relationship needs work. The task may seem daunting but the rewards are great. As negativity recedes, goodwill rushes in to fill the void. Without conscious effort, you find yourself focusing on your partner’s admirable qualities, much as you did during courtship.

 

Why not make a Spring Resolution, to bring your communication to an entirely new level? Here's what I recommend:

Pre-validation: An Objective of Understanding

I’ve discussed many times in the past the positives of dialogue as the best way to communicate. The sender states an issue or something important to them, the receiver mirrors the sender to ensure the communication is understood, the receiver then validates what the sender said, stating that what was said makes sense and, finally, the receiver empathizes with the sender, understanding how the sender is feeling. Without practice, dialogue can seem a little stiff. You might just practice mirroring for a while. Once you get more used to it, dialogue becomes a very natural response versus the unconscious response of disagreement.

Always validating your partner before you give your point-of-view is an even better addition to the communication. But how about this: how about “pre-validating” your partner? In other words, you are deciding in your own mind that whatever your partner says makes sense; that is, you understand that, from their point of view and in their world, the statement makes sense. This pre-validation will completely change every conversation you have. Wake up tomorrow morning and pre-validate your partner. Do it for every future conversation.

Another precondition to communication is the objective of communication. In “parallel monologues”, the objective is to get your point of view across to your partner. He or she has the same objective, so two people are trying to get their point of view across and no one is listening! Why not consider changing the objective of the conversation? Instead of focusing on what you are trying to say, make the understanding of your partner’s point of view the objective. If both parties have this objective, both points of view will be understood.

In 2009, decide on a different type of conversation before you even start. Pre-validate your partner for every future conversation. Change the purpose of every future conversation and make understanding your partner the objective.

Happy New Year and Happy Spring!

David C. Roche is an Imago Educator and is a member of the Board of Directors of Imago Relationships International. David is currently a marketing consultant and lives with his wife Diane in the Chicago area. He has held many sales, marketing and general management positions in his career in the USA, Canada and Mexico. He is an avid golfer and skier and loves to play the guitar and the drums.