Avoid the "Affair Disease"

By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

Continuing the trend of celebrities caught with their pants down – literally and figuratively – is Jesse James, estranged husband to Sandra Bullock. Psychologically, celebrities and politicians are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel, as I explain in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.”

Of course, I'm not suggesting that this can excuse their actions – rather it's a reason why news of politicians and celebrities engaging in affairs is, sadly, relatively common. This type of behavior is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism and it's time to stop it. We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Politicians have a high burn out rate and they're looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection.

This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress (and let's face it, nowadays who ISN'T under a lot of stress!?) are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we're craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself.

What can we learn from Sanford, Edwards, Woods, James (and others like him)?

1). The behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive.

For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways-with alcohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop and is followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the beginning of the cycle all over again.

2).  It's a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead.

Many cheating partners use an affair to self medicate a deeper problem within the marriage.

3). Learn what your subconscious is telling you before it's too late.

Affairs are a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person's life. Don't make the mistake of acting and not talking – it's impossible to take back such a decision.

4.) Statistics tell the story

50% of first marriages end in divorce, 66% of 2nd marriages, and 70% of third marriages end in dirvorce.  My book, out in paperback now, Make Up Don't Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, has new chapters and advice for how to heal, communicate effectively and stay together, offering couples real hands on techniques for overcoming adversity.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil   (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert who was named by Psychology Today as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists. Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (Revised edition Feb 2010, including DVD How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker.

Dr. Bonnie has appeared on ABC’s Good Morning America, a three-day series on NBC’s The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating, Discovery Health documentary "Infidelity" and A&E on addictions. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN. Visit Dr. Bonnie at www.DoctorBonnie.com.