Turn Any Situation into a Spiritual Moment?

By Michael Sherman

My wife and I consider ourselves a reactive couple.  Despite years of working on ourselves and helping others in their relationships, little things still get to us.  Tiny landmines. What did you really mean when you raised your eyebrow halfway after I asked you to share your grapefruit?  Stuff like that.  This example may be a little silly, but the idea behind it is not. Becoming an Imago Couple is all about continued practice to stay present and safe to each other, no matter the circumstances.

Our relationship continues to be an experiment in this practice of presence.  And like martial arts, or going to the gym or yoga class, it is the commitment to practice that helps us refine and enhance our relationship.  Forgetting about Imago Dialogue gets us into trouble. But when we make a conscious effort to practice Dialogue, the dynamic grows friendlier, deeper and more passionate. 

The real trick, we have found, is to not ask for a Dialogue only when there is conflict. It’s crucial to practice Dialogue during normal every day moments.  Rides in the car, waking up in the morning, shaving, cooking dinner – these are all opportunities for a taste of dialogue, particularly if you choose to practice the Imago Appreciation Dialogue.  Simply by telling your partner, “I’d like to offer you an appreciation. Is now a good time?” is a wonderful doorway towards reconnection.  The Imago Appreciation Dialogue is a relationship vitamin.  It works immediately, and daily use will protect you in the long run.   

Practicing the Appreciation Dialogue is a way to reframe any moment in your relationship.  Let me share a story in this regard.

Recently, Amy's father was in the hospital, coming off heart surgery at Mt. Sinai on the Upper East Side of NYC.  It was a wet and cold New York morning. I was sick, distracted out of my routine, and concerned about the situation.  I imagined that if this was a decade ago - a younger, much less likable version of me from the past would have been hearing the voice in my mind complain, something like, "Why do I have to be here?  It's her father.  Doesn't she understand I have to work today?"

Instead, without hesitation, I walked side by side with my partner, heading to a Deli to buy chicken soup for my father-in-law, grateful for the opportunity to be present and supportive.  Amy noticed me walking in this posture of partnerhood, and an APPRECIATION bubbled up within her. “I want you to know how important it is that you are with me right now,” she said.  “It makes me feel taken care of.”

It was simply my presence, my being with her, that awakened in Amy a sense that she has a friend and a partner.  So she invited me into an IMAGO DIALOGUE right there on the street, to share her APPRECIATION within this structured method of communication.

The Appreciation eased our worry, helped us turn towards each other, and protected us as we headed towards the hospital.  Dialogue transforms the nerves of handling the unknown, or entering potentially distressful environments, into an experience of connection and open-heartedness.

The structure allows you to yield to a partner, to feel safe in surrendering as her feelings blend within the space you are providing her.  If you follow the rules, you can't help but be touched, or at least to feel grounded and safe.   It opens the door to a world of spirit that turns a walk down the street into an experience of healing, warmth and love.

Her father is recovering nicely.  And we continue to practice Appreciation Dialogues. We also enjoy sharing a grapefruit from time to time.

Michael Sherman is the co-founder of Courageous Loving, a company devoted to helping people answer the question, “Who are my relationships calling me to become?”  As a writer and personal coach, Michael has created an insightful audio program called, “RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE ROADMAP TO DESTINY: How to move beyond frustration and discover the Hero within you.” (visit: http://RelationshipDestiny.com )   His blog, www.CourageousLovingNation.com features an array of dynamic, interactive multimedia, including powerful recordings of real Imago Dialogues shared with his wife and partner, Amy. Based in Chestnut Ridge, NY, both he and Amy are Imago Practitioners who offer Coaching, Counseling, Workshops and Multimedia Trainings. Learn more at www.CourageousLoving.com