Stop Talking, Start Connecting –
with friends, family and at work.
The origins of Imago lie in the bestseller “Getting The Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, PhD, which is written for couples. In the 20 years since that book was written, Imago has helped people in relationships of all types, with friends, family, and also at work. This article is to give you some pointers to apply the tools of Imago in a range of situations.
It is adapted from “Imago Dialogue 101” which is written primarily with couples in mind.
Why dialogue?
Dialogue is about being open to another person’s perspective, in a way that feels both positive and supportive. It’s a great way to deepen connection, with friends and family. Dialogue can also be a very powerful way to work with colleagues at work, particular when there are difficult decisions to be made, and a variety of conflicting viewpoints to consider.
Decision making using a dialogue can be much more effective, because in dialogue all viewpoints are honored and validated, so that the final decision is more likely to reflect the combined wisdom of the group. Participants are also more likely to wholeheartedly support the final decision, and underlying issues that might later cause problems are brought to the surface.
Dialogue vs. discussion
Often when I am listening to someone, I might also be planning my response. I may be fervently figuring out how to show why I am right, and they are wrong. Or I may be constructing my defense against things which might show me in a bad light. When I reply, I might carefully choose words which show just how much I am “in the right”, and are designed to lead to an early conclusion in my favor.
What I have described is not really a discussion between me and another person. It’s what the philosopher Martin Buber called an “I-It” relationship. I am not dealing with what the other person sees as reality, and I’m working hard to give them an artificially perfect version of me.
When I try to solve conflict in an “I-It” discussion, we may get a solution which works for a while. But it is unlikely to be the best solution long-term, and leaves the true underlying reasons for conflict unresolved.
Dialogue helps people cut through their natural defenses to create a more genuine connection, which Buber called “I-You.” When we are both honestly and openly involved in exploring issues, we can discover the real source of disagreement. Listening and talking about this in a calm safe space can open up within ourselves amazing potential for improved relationships.
Do you ever wonder why you drawn to particular people? The idea that we attract people into our lives to help us fulfill our dreams lies underneath many popular approaches, such as “The Law of Attraction” and “The Secret”. In dialogue we can share so much more about each other, and what it is that we both bring to a relationship. Sometimes we find that our differences are the most interesting and exciting part. Through dialogue, we can uncover and unfold the exciting things that we are able to do together, that we could never do apart.
Imago dialogue starts with safety
If I am going to meet others in an authentic way, and lower my protective shell, I need to feel safe. The structure of the Imago dialogue provides safety. The first rule is to banish all shame, blame and criticism. That might sound tough if I am really angry at someone for all the things they did or didn’t do. How can I tell them how much they are annoying me, if I can’t criticize?
But I also need to make it safe for other people to listen to me. And that means to always talk about my own feelings, not about their actions. What does this mean to me? Why am I frustrated? What do I feel? The key is to make it easy for friends, colleagues or family to remain open, and to be available to hear.
Stop Talking, Start Connecting
Listening may be the most difficult part of the Imago dialogue, especially if we are going to talk about a hard subject. Am I going to hear something painful? Will I want to jump out of my chair and run out? Will I want to shout and deny it?
Listening well can sometimes be a very courageous act. To be available to listen and truly hear what concerns other people means putting aside all my spontaneous reactions to it. As the words come out, my first reaction might be to think “No – they got it wrong – it’s not like that!” The key to creating an “I-You” relationship is to put that aside, and instead listen without judgment. I need to open myself up to hearing other people’s reality and, by hearing that, to truly connect with them. If I deny it, then I break the connection, and can easily trigger an argument.
Try it. Practice.
Create space for connection
Before you start to dialogue, it’s good to create some space where you can be intentional together. Try sitting on facing chairs, knees close together, with eye contact. It’s also a good idea to spend a few moments quietly too, and become aware of the two of you. Let your breathing be quiet, and remind yourself to be calm, with no shame, blame or criticism as you speak, no judgment as you listen.
Something beautiful is being created between you. Martin Buber called it the “sacred space” when two people met as “I-You”.
Now you can start!
The steps of Imago Dialogue
Imago Dialogue is a unique three step process for connection, developed by Harville Hendrix PhD and Helen LaKelly Hunt PhD. Although it looks simple, the processed was formulated through extensive study of psychological theories of relationship, and clinical work with couples.
The three steps are Mirroring, Validation and Empathy, and they are described in detail below. The essence of dialogue is any conversation in which people agree to listen to others without judgment, and accept their views as equally valid as their own. We have found the Imago dialogue to be a particularly effective way to start off on your journey to connection.
You can find directions on how to use the Imago dialogue here. What follows is a description of how to use each step. Afterwards there is some information on how you might adapt this for situations at work or at home.
The Imago Dialogue is initiated when a partner asks for an appointment and the other partner agrees to participate.
1. Mirroring
Using “I” language, one person sends a “message” to convey his/her thoughts, feelings, or
experiences to the Receiver (“I feel,” “I love,” “I need …”). They should avoid shaming, blaming or criticizing their partner, and instead talk about themselves.
In response, the Receiver echoes the Sender’s message word-for-word or by paraphrasing, using a lead sentence like, “Let me see if I’ve got you. You said ....”
Mirroring helps me to listen to what the other person is actually saying rather than listening to the reactions and responses going on in my heads while my partner is talking.
Then there’s a beautiful question the receiver can ask. “Is There More?” When I ask that question I leave a little time, to show I really mean it, and want to hear more. Often the other person might pause “Well no….er..let me see…maybe there is.” Often as they are given space and time, they will go deeper and share more with me, and that sharing can be the most fascinating part.
Keep on with it. Encourage further exploration through comments like “Wow. Interesting. Is there more about that?” The more I reassure someone that I am open to what they are saying, the more I can voyage on a wonderful journey into their world, and experience connection, even if do find the subject area challenging or unfamiliar.
When the other person says “No, that’s all”, then I can try a summary. “So, in summary I heard you say that………… “ Then check you got it all. The other person might often say “Well you missed this little bit – and it’s quite important to me that you hear it.”
2. Validation
When I mirror someone well, they will probably already be feeling that I have heard their point of view, and seen that for them it is valid. But it’s nice to say that too.
Validating can be quite hard if someone has a very different perspective on things from me. But to be connected, it’s important for me to recognize that what the other person says makes sense for them. Sometimes their view might be so different from mine that I am tempted to think that they must be wrong.
But in dialogue, creating the connection is paramount. Who is right and who is wrong doesn’t matter. With this process, you might even discover that you can find a solution together where it doesn’t matter whether either of you are right or wrong over this issue, there may be a third way which is big enough that your different opinions no longer matter. Remember, it is part of life for people to hold different viewpoints. We don’t all need to agree all the time.
After I have summarized someone’s perspective, I can validate them by simply saying “That makes sense to me.” I don’t have to agree, but show that I respect this reality. If I can, I might go on “That makes sense to me because….”
Sometimes as I watch people when I say this, I can see a physical sign of relief. It’s a lovely thing to have your views validated by another.
3. Empathy
The third and final step of the Imago Dialogue is empathy. This may not always be the right for the situation, for example colleagues at work may be uncomfortable when you talk about feelings. So, just use this step where it feels right for you.
In the empathy step, I imagine what the other person might be feeling. Feelings are simple words like “Angry, Sad, Lonely, Afraid, Happy, Joyful etc:”
I would just ask “I imagine you might be feeling afraid, and perhaps a little sad too. Is that what you are feeling?” Then I check in, if there are other feelings that I missed then mirror them to show I heard. “Ah, a little excited too.”
Directions for a simple Imago dialogue
Click here for printer friendly directions
You can begin to use the Imago Dialogue to share with a friend or colleague over something that concerns you, and that you would like to share with them. A great way to start using the dialogue is to share something that you appreciate about them. Try it, and see how you feel when the other person mirrors back your appreciation of them.
Here are some specific phrases you can use as you practice dialogue
SENDER
I would like to dialogue about . . .
Is now okay?
I feel . . .
I love . . .
I need . . .
What’s bothering me is . . .
RECEIVER
1. Mirroring
Let me see if I’ve got you.
I heard you say . . . or You said . . .
Am I getting you? or Did I get that?
Is there more about that?
Summary mirror
Let me see if I got it all . . .?
Am I getting you? Did I get all of that?
or Is that a good summary?
2. Validation
You make sense to me, and what makes sense is . . .
I can understand that . . .given that . . .
I can see how you would see it that way because sometimes I do . . .
3. Empathy
I imagine you might be feeling . . .
Is that what you’re feeling?
SWITCH ROLES
Using Imago Dialogue in casual conversation with friends and family
Many people’s reaction to The Imago dialogue is “You don’t expect me to talk like that all the time do you?” We don’t know if anyone makes a habit of dialogue, but many people have learned to integrate the Imago dialogue into the way they talk.
Like any new practice, we recommend that you learn it first of all by doing the whole process in a formal way, as set out in the steps above. There may always be situations when you want to use the process in this way, sitting facing the person you want to dialogue with, and taking a moment to be quiet, before going through each step of mirroring, validating and empathy. It’s great for difficult discussions – but it can just be wonderful to share appreciations, or as a ritual to increase your connection.
As you practice the dialogue, you may find it slipping naturally into normal conversation. You may not think of it at all, and then suddenly you might notice that there is a change in atmosphere, and someone has become triggered or anxious, or is dropping out of discussion. That might be a time to introduce a little mirroring. “Can I check – did I hear you correctly? ……That’s interesting – is there more, I would love to understand this more”
Often it also helps the conversation become more connecting to drop in some validation, for example “ I see now, yes that really makes sense when you put it that way.” You could even empathize – “Oh – I imagine that made you feel so mad!”
Just introducing this at the right time into a conversation can often deepen it, as others feel drawn in by your interest. It can also guide discussion away from breaking down into argument, and towards a genuine sharing of concerns. It can also go horribly wrong, I’ve often had the experience where people who are angry will say “And stop repeating everything I say!” That might be a time to suggest making an appointment for a formal dialogue to work through the issue.
Using Imago Dialogue at work
Imago dialogue works at work too. Using it in the way described in the paragraph above may certainly help you win the trust and support of colleagues. However the full power may often emerge when you are sitting down in a meeting with a colleague to resolve a difficult issue.
We would recommend that before you try this out, you have already practiced Imago dialogue with your partner or close friends, and have really experienced how it transforms conversations. Unless you have begun to integrate dialogue into your relationships, it may be difficult to lead others.
When you are ready, we recommend that you focus on a few key elements:
• Explain clearly to your colleague your intention
• Focus on dialogue as a way of making better decisions by understanding both of your issues
• Talk about how in dialogue the emphasis isn’t so much on who is right or wrong, but on discovering a range of perspectives which you can guide you both towards a shared decision
• Try to divide the dialogue into two parts. In one you would explore all the perspectives around the issue, and not even try to decide on the right solution. Then make a clear decision to move into working together on a conclusion that you can implement.
• Focus on the mirroring and validation stages, empathy may be too personal in a business context
• Use mirroring as a way to ensure that both of you have really heard and understood the range of perspectives. Try to then see how even perspectives that you might not agree with, actually do make sense for your colleague. Resist any temptation to show them that they are wrong, try to find a solution in which they can still hold that perspective.
You will be able to tell if you have been successful at using Imago dialogue in a work situation. Colleagues will become more relaxed, and trusting, and share more information and concerns. Some people find this very hard, so don’t be discouraged if you discover that some of your colleagues simply say “I’m right, you are wrong, and this is the only solution.” It just means they aren’t open to this approach.
Copyright: Hunt/Hendrix and Imago Relationships International 2007
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