The Best Rx for Relationships (A Guy’s Point of View)

By Thomas Hillegass

 "We need to talk about our relationship.”

Is there a sentence that strikes more fear, trembling and mumbling into the strongest man’s soul? But with the right prescription, we can be the stand-up, take charge guys that we normally are, even in the face of the dreaded “relationship” talk.

In a book I am reading, the little girl, missing her absent mother, says, “Dad, let’s play dolls.” He’s thinking, why not “Let’s play baseball cards,” or “Let’s play demolition derby.” These I know - but dolls?  He gamely concedes, “Okay, after dinner we’ll play one game of dolls.”   

Playing one game of dolls may seem easy compared with being asked by our significant other to tell them how we are feeling. We would like to know what we are feeling, too! For many of us, we often don’t get much beyond “Pick one: mad, glad, sad or bad.” Most of the time, with enough reflection, the correct answer is “all of the above,” but we don’t know how to verbalize this and certainly not in a way that our partner really wants to hear. 

Several things are for sure: we like to be good at what we do, we plan to succeed, and we will hang from any convenient ledge to keep our partner happy. But we too often have a feeling of failure when to comes to talking about relationships or feelings. It doesn’t come naturally to us and we don’t know the rules of the game.  We try to fake it ‘till we make it  - but we may loose our lover before the end of this experimental phase.  

After a while, “We need to talk about our relationship” becomes the doubly-dreaded “I think we should see a couples therapist.” Arggghhh! We’ve seen this on TV and in the movies and it is not a pretty sight. We are sitting on the sofa, looking at the therapist (who is always a woman in the movies) and who is scheming with our significant other to “fix” us. If we could just learn to open up and talk about how we really feel…

We are not totally averse to talking; we just want a guy-friendly way to do it. Isn’t there an approach where the less verbal, less conversationally confident partner can play on a level field with the other? How about giving us the space and safety to try to express ourselves and not get blind-sided if we don’t get it precisely right on the first try? 

There is a relationship coaching approach called Imago, which features a structured conversation between the couple, not with the therapist. The therapist, trained and certified in Imago, knows how to hold the structure and gently guide the conversation. It creates time and safety for you to explore out loud what you think and feel and assures that you will be heard.

Safety and the assurance of being heard are essential elements of this approach, because as much as she might say she wants to know what you really feel, she may have a hard time hearing it. Of course, you will have to hear her out as well.

If you watched Oprah (but of course guys don’t) you would have seen Dr. Harville Hendrix, the founder of this method, preaching to the choir about it.  There is a lot of theory behind it, but, as with so many things, it is the practice and not the theory that really counts.  For the theory, see the best selling book Getting the Love You Want by Hendrix.  With this book, you could even try to do it yourself, but you will be much more successful if you start with a Certified Imago Therapist. You can find a therapist in your area by searching the Imago Relationships directory of therapists. 

(The next section could be a sidebar)

At the heart of the Imago process is the “Couple’s Dialogue”. It is similar to the “Reflective Listening” or “Active Listening” techniques taught in business classes, but designed to go deeper into feelings and meaning.  In this structured conversation, each partner takes a turn being the “sender” while the other is “receiver” and, since the receiver must mirror back what the sender says, it enforces good listening. It also includes a validating step (“What you are saying makes sense to me because…”) and empathizing (“And I imagine that makes you feel…). An Imago therapist will sometimes lead the dialogue into additional steps, depending on the nature of the issue and the strength of feelings involved.

*PS: Try mirroring and empathizing with your children too – you may be amazed at the results!

Men often find that they like the structure and feel that they are being heard and understood as never before. After a few sessions, you and your partner may even be able to use this conversational method yourselves to deal with most issues in your relationship. You may find, as I have that, when the topic is very difficult, you need to go back to your therapist for a session or two to work it out.

So, we may never learn to play a game of dolls with confidence but we sure can learn to talk about our relationships and enjoy feeling as competent and successful at that as we do in other areas of our lives.