Newsletter May 2009- Article 1

The Purpose of Marriage Part IV: The Power Stage Continued
By David Roche

A couple of weeks ago, I heard the classic Righteous Brothers tune “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling” on the radio. I can still hear the words:

You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling
Whoa, that lovin’ feeling
You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling
Now it’s gone, gone, gone
And I can’t go on, whoa oh.

Successful marriages lose that lovin’ feeling when the Romantic Stage of the relationship ends, as it is supposed to end. Successful marriages keep the foundation of love alive during the Power Stage which follows and are rewarded when they achieve Real Love; a love so much greater, richer, deeper than Romantic Love.

Successful couples consciously navigate through the Power Stage and do the work that needs to be done. They heal the childhood wounds of each other by calling on and restoring the lost parts of themselves that were buried long ago. Both partners become healed and whole as they move through the next phases of Awareness and Transformation towards Real Love.

It’s not a coincidence that aspects of Power Stage resemble the six stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, despair and finally, acceptance. So what dies? If you can’t get through the romantic stage, your dream of a successful marriage dies. You will come to the realization that the fairytale life that was anticipated just isn’t going to happen.

First comes the shock: “This isn’t the person I married!” then denial and a futile attempt to see this “new” partner in a positive light. But reality overwhelms and you enter the next stage: anger.

Anger comes from the realization that, despite your expectations, this person will not be the one to meet all your needs. Because your partner has all the negative traits of your parents (see previous articles), you now unconsciously see them not as the healer in your life but as the enemy who will continue the pain of the past. You see them as the enemy and you treat them as the enemy too. You complain, you criticize, and you withhold affection. You have been betrayed and you treat your partner accordingly. You use all the adaptive behaviors that you developed as a child (here you are in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and maybe 50’s still acting like a four-year old).

Most marriages get stuck in the anger stage for quite some time. Marriages that fail to get past this stage will end. The pain is too great and, since we think the problem is our partner, we dump our partner and move on. This accounts for higher divorce rate among second marriages. We mistakenly get rid of the partner but keep the problem. The issue isn’t finding the right partner; it’s being the right partner.

Those marriages that stick it out move to the bargaining stage. There’s no unconditional love in this stage, it’s what Harville Hendrix calls the quid pro quo marriage. If you take out the garbage, I’ll cook a nice Sunday dinner. If you rub my back, I’ll give you more hugs. If you come home from work on time, we’ll have sex more often. This is not the way the unconscious wants needs met. The unconscious agenda will not be achieved in a quid pro quo marriage.

Eventually, bargaining leads to despair because both partners still feel unfulfilled. Both partners give up hope for the dream of real love and resign themselves to accepting what they have: a tolerable relationship. They develop parallel marriages with their careers, kids, or hobbies. Many couples remain cordial, amicable, and friendly and reach the final stage of acceptance.

I’ve painted a pretty bleak picture. No doubt a few of you have successfully navigated through the Power Stage and you feel you have found real love. However, most people aren’t so lucky and convince themselves that it’s not that bad but, unconsciously, they are unfulfilled and yearn for more.

Some of you may not have reached the Power Stage yet and may be hoping to avoid it. There is no avoiding it but there is a way to get through it. It can be done. We need to change the paradigm. We need to break the cycle of acting unconsciously in our marriages by becoming conscious.

A brief description of a conscious marriage can be found below. In my next article I’ll examine each of the elements of this conscious marriage. I will also introduce the most important behavior of all: proper communication.

The Conscious Marriage

A conscious marriage is a marriage that fosters maximum psychological and spiritual growth. It is a marriage created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind: to be safe, to be healed, and to be whole.

Ten characteristics of the conscious marriage:

Partners in a conscious relationship recognize that the purpose of their relationship is to heal their childhood wounds. The basic principle of a conscious relationship is intentionality.

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• Partners in a conscious relationship educate each other about their childhood wounds. In a conscious relationship, partners exchange unconditional gifts.
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• Partners in a conscious relationship accept each other’s absolute separateness, their unique way of perceiving reality, and the sacredness of each other’s inner world. In a conscious relationship, partners are separate but equal. Dialogue is the core of communication.
• Partners in a conscious relationship keep all the energy that belongs in the relationship within its bounds. In a conscious relationship, there are no exits.
• Partners in a conscious relationship communicate their needs and desires to each other in constructive ways. In a conscious relationship, there is no criticism.
• Partners in a conscious relationship accept all of each other’s feelings, especially anger. In a conscious relationship, anger is expressed by appointment only.
• Partners in a conscious relationship learn to own their own negative traits. In a conscious relationship both partners are responsible for and carry all aspects of themselves.
• Partners in a conscious relationship develop their own lost strengths and abilities instead of relying on their partners to make up for what is missing or lost in themselves. In a conscious relationship each partner calls the other to wholeness.
• Partners in a conscious relationship develop their own contra-sexual energy and encourage the development of their partner’s contra-sexual energy. In a conscious relationship each partner strives toward androgyny.
• Partners in a conscious relationship are able and willing to direct their excess energies to the world outside their relationship. In a conscious relationship partners care for others and the world.

David C. Roche is an Imago Educator and is a member of the Board of Directors of Imago Relationships International. David is currently a marketing consultant and lives with his wife Diane in the Chicago area. He has held many sales, marketing and general management positions in his career in the USA, Canada and Mexico. He is an avid golfer and skier and loves to play the guitar and the drums.