Remember hearing the Golden Rule when you were a child? Treat others as you would like to be treated? It is a great standard. Well, it has been upgraded to the Platinum Rule.
The Platinum Rule asks that you treat others as they would like to be treated. Wow, what a difference! This tenet fits in beautifully with Imago Relationship Therapy. Imago teaches that each person has his or her unique way of seeing the world. One person cannot claim to know what is true for another until the other person communicates the information.
What does this have to do with gift giving?
Some time ago, I was struck by a magazine article that listed gift ideas for your valentine. How can we choose a gift for someone we know from a list written by someone else? It reminded me of the Golden Rule. We buy gifts that, to us, sound like a great idea. Or we give gifts that we secretly (or not so secretly) would like to receive ourselves. The Platinum Rule is light years ahead and you can apply it to gift giving. Both the Platinum Rule and Imago encourage us to find out first what the other person would like before we buy a gift for them. This also addresses a myth about marriage: if my partner loves me, he/she will know what I like without me having to say it. This is a myth that has been the start of many arguments within relationships. I’ve been there.
One way to learn what your partner likes is to do the Re-romanticizing exercise found in Harville Hendrix's book Getting the Love You Want. On separate sheets of paper, each of you should write a list of gifts or behaviors you would like to receive. You may have on your list things your partner gave you or did for you in the past. Maybe they are things that he/she hasn't purchased or done for you yet. Make each item as specific as possible. Now, exchange lists and use your partner's list whenever you need to buy a gift or do something special for him/her. It's okay if there are items on your partner's list that you are unwilling to purchase or behaviors you are unwilling to do at this time. You can focus on the other items and talk in couple's therapy about why an item is particularly challenging to you. These difficult items may provide hints to the lost parts of yourself that your partner can encourage you to develop.
If you like to surprise your partner when gift giving, how do you learn what it is that they'd truly like to receive? Be a detective throughout the year. Listen closely to your partner when you're out at a store, reading the paper, or out with friends. Your partner may already be saying aloud the things they like or would like to receive. Even if it's months away, you could buy the gift now and save it for the holiday.
The art of gift giving is so much more rewarding when we cherish the ways our partner is different from us and bestow upon them a gift they truly want to receive.
Meredith M. Keller, LPC is the Director of Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey located between Somerville and Princeton. She obtained her masters in Community Counseling from University of Northern Colorado. She is a Certified Imago Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor. For more information visit her blogspot at http://insessionwithmeredithkeller.blogspot.com and her website at http://couplestherapycenterofnj.com. Or, call or email her directly. She would love to hear from you.
