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Newsletter February 2009
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Valentine's Day Edition
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Love, in Imago, is a verb, not a noun. It is created or destroyed minute by minute by our actions. Love is an act that is accompanied by a feeling, but it is not a feeling itself. Love is the behavioral commitment to another's physical, emotional, mental and spiritual potential and welfare that is equal to if not greater than the same commitment to oneself. Love is free from negative judgement; it is the full acceptance of another as they are, not as one wishes them to be. Love accepts and honors difference. It is the hyphen between the I and the Thou.
-Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. & Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.
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How is Couplehood a Spiritual Path?
By Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.
He who desires to see the living God face-to-face should not seek him in the empty firmament of his mind, but in human love.
~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
In our newest program Couplehood as a Spiritual Path we invite couples to embrace their relationship as a spiritual journey. For some who have recently fallen in love, this may resonate with their experience: romantic love can trigger a spiritual awakening, a sense of belonging and completion. For others who may be experiencing deep conflict, a “spiritual relationship” may seem like an oxymoron: relationships can elicit a sense of despair and loneliness. But falling in love and the inevitable conflict that follows are opportunities to grow into who we are meant to be. We believe that learning to give and receive love is the path to experiencing God.
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Top Ten Imago Relationship Tips
1. Add romance to your relationship year round with little surprises. Don’t wait to do something special on Valentine’s Day! Surprise your partner on a Monday night in March with a candlelit dinner, he/she may need and appreciate it more. Try adding little surprises gradually and don’t worry about being original. Think of something your partner will appreciate (a love note, a single rose, a CD of their favorite musician, a new pet-name etc.) and surprise him/her. Remember the old adage: it’s the thought that counts.
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- 2. Don’t be defensive. Rather than feeling judged, take a step back and look at your own character flaws. No one is perfect, but we all have the opportunity to grow.
- 3. Make love, not war! Always act with love and understanding.
- 4. Avoid negativity. Blame and negative criticism get you nowhere. Your intention is to have a loving relationship so keep that in mind BEFORE an argument. Speak to how you feel rather than listing what you think your partner is doing wrong.
- 5. Dialogue your way to a better relationship. Go to a “Getting the Love You Want” workshop or read the book to learn how to use the Imago Dialogue. Good communication is the key to understanding each other and being understood.
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- 6. Be the partner you want your partner to be.
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- 7. Take ownership for what is not working in your relationship. Denial is poison to a relationship, and sitting around with feelings of inadequacies doesn’t do anyone any good. Be honest with yourself and you will make room for growth.
8. Create a relationship vision together (this exercise is in Getting The Love You Want). Energy follows attention. The minute you begin to create the vision, you will move towards it.
- 9. Become your partner’s advocate. Your partner’s welfare, dreams, potential, and achievements must become your project.
- 10. Love unconditionally. It is easier to love when all is well, much harder when times are bad. But when is love most needed?
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Valentine's Day: Then and Now
By Kevin George
As you know, Valentine’s Day is marked by somewhat eccentric yet heartwarming rituals. These rituals often take the form of heart-shapedchocolates or a bouquet of roses delivered to a partner or spouse along with a note containing pledges of love and fidelity. Celebrations of this day can be as sweet as a first kiss or as tactless as a wildly grinning plastic cupid taped to a storefront window. It is a day that has seen many first dates and, undoubtedly, many last ones. Perhaps above all it is a day that has seen many, many proposals of marriage. But where did this oddly personal not-quite-a-holiday originate? The answer may surprise and change the way you look at this utterly unique and ritualized day.
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