Real Love on Valentine's Day
by Tim Atkinson
There's a restaurant that I loved once. A stylish french restaurant in the charming narrow lanes of the West Village of New York City. So of course, I reserved a table where I could treat my wife for a special Valentine's Day experience. But when we arrived the restaurant was magically transformed into an eating factory. Extra tables had been inserted with the help of tire-irons. The local fast-food joints appeared to have loaned out their chefs for the night, and a gremlin at the photocopier appeared to be playing games with the price of an indifferent and rushed three-course meal. OK, so it came complete with a small glass of low-grade fizz. Big deal.
Ah! Valentine's Day - once dedicated to the patron saint of love. But now it seems that the patron demon of greed might be elbowing his way in. Ever had a Valentine's celebration disappointment? Well, here's another approach, from Imago.
Valentine's Day is a great opportunity to share with your partner what it is that makes your relationship meaningful. You could even make a little ceremony around it. Perhaps take time before you go out and celebrate, or make it the focus of a quiet celebration at home.
Even if you find that the rest of the time you find yourself stepping around touchy relationship issues, there's always something that drew you together. Infact if you do spend most of your time looking up relationship problem advice, this ritual could be an ideal way to take a break from problems and focus on the good stuff. Take a moment beforehand to recall what it was like when you first met, and what attracted you to your partner. Or maybe there are wonderful things in the past year, month, week or day you want to share?
There's a little ritual we use in Imago for conversations like this, that make them feel special and connecting. First sit quietly together, maybe even light a candle. Just looking into each other's eyes can be nice, and if you feel like it, just see if you can send messages of love without even speaking. And if you land up in heaps of laughter instead, that's OK.
Now take it in turns to share something about what you love about your partner. But when one speaks, the other should listen very closely, take in the words, and then say them back. "So I hear that you love me because......" Why would you do that? Well, its because its often hard to really take in positive and loving messages about yourself, but it helps to repeat them yourself. It can feel really good.
Check that you heard it all too, by asking "Did I get you?" after you mirror back. This part often surprises me, because I think I have taken in all the nice things my partner has said about me, only to discover I didn't even really hear the best bit. If it's going well, you can even ask "Is there more about that?" Who knows what else your partner may be just on the edge of saying, if only you would give them a little encouragement.
Take turns, each partner sending their messages of love. Whatever else you do on Valentine's Day, you will have built a small but powerful ritual of connection that can warm your heart all day long.
Tim Atkinson is the Executive Director of Imago Relationships International and author of The Relationship, the Imago blog.
