I’ve never really been very good at asking for what I need (like most people on the planet). In my first marriage, I was hopeless. Whenever I tried, everything that came out of my mouth felt like criticism. I always looked at the whole experience as something negative. I just couldn’t see it any other way. I mean, how could telling my spouse about my unmet needs be anything but a bad situation?
Now, several years later, I see it differently. Asking for what we need in relationships is a very positive thing. It’s positive for you because you finally get those childhood wounds healed. But it’s also very good for your spouse, because in order to meet your needs they have to find what they lost long ago, and in the process they finally become whole.
So why does this positive situation seem so negative? It started a long time ago. When we were children the best efforts of our parents did not meet all of our needs, so we screamed and yelled and cried to let them know something was missing.
Things really haven’t changed much. We entered adulthood with many of our childhood needs still unmet. And now we expect our spouse to finally meet those needs. That’s why our unconscious mind picked this person in the first place. But there was one obstacle. This person whom we chose to meet our unmet childhood needs had to be like our parents; the same parents who couldn’t meet all our needs in the first place.
So if I have this right, we pick this partner-for-life to meet our important, unmet childhood needs but the person we pick is simply not capable. So we scream and yell and cry and criticize them to no end because, of course, we expect them to know not only what we need but also to make it right.
Additionally, in our adult life we long to be whole again. In fact, we haven’t been whole since we started to bury and deny parts of ourselves when we were very, very small so we could survive in this very, very big world.
So let’s see how this sounds. I leave childhood with some very important unmet needs and without major parts of myself, keeping me from being whole. My spouse leaves childhood with some very important unmet needs and without major parts of herself. I am attracted to her because my unconscious mind sees my parents in her (especially the negative stuff) and it wants someone just like my parents to meet my needs. My spouse is attracted to me because her unconscious mind sees her parents in me and it wants someone just like her parents to meet her needs. Plus, I am incomplete because I buried important parts of myself early in childhood (some characteristics got buried so deep I have forgotten all about them). My spouse is incomplete because she buried important parts of herself, too.
How does this mess make sense? We marry a person with the negative characteristics of our parents and with the very same inability to meet our needs. We also have the issue of having lost major parts of our true selves. We unconsciously want our needs met and to become whole again.
The key is in how we see the process of asking for what we need. This is the gift that keeps on giving. When we ask for what we need, we are asking someone who does not have the ability to do what we ask. The ability to meet our need was buried or lost a long time ago. The request for what we need is the key to our partner’s wholeness. When we ask, they must really stretch and find those lost characteristics that will enable them to meet our needs and, at the same time, finally become whole again.
So asking for what we need is not a negative act. It’s even more that just a positive act. It is the one thing we can do for our spouse to help them become whole. It is the one thing we can do for ourselves to help heal our childhood wounds.
The healing of childhood wounds and the work to become whole are not easy tasks. But it’s why we’re together; it’s the purpose of the relationship. So give the gift that keeps on giving, ask for what you need, and allow your spouse to become whole again.
David C. Roche is an Imago Educator and is a member of the Board of Directors of Imago Relationships International. David is currently a marketing consultant and lives with his wife Diane in the Chicago area. He has held many sales, marketing and general management positions in his career in the USA, Canada and Mexico. He is an avid golfer and skier and loves to play the guitar and the drums.
