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The Secret to a Happy Marriage
By Jesse and Melva Johnson
A few years ago, we had a wonderful opportunity to spend time with a couple that had been married 67 years. It was truly delightful to see the way they smiled when they looked at each other—even after all those years. It just made our hearts sing. It was obvious that they had a very deep, intense, and passionate love for each other. We imagined that their love had been forged over many years of happy memories and overcoming all sorts of life challenges.
After several minutes of observing and feeling inspired by their interaction, we were compelled to ask them a question: "What has enabled you to create such a wonderful life together over these past 67 years?” They looked at each other and without hesitation responded with one word: “gratitude.”
"Gratitude?" we asked.
"Yes, gratitude!" they enthusiastically responded.
We asked them to explain what they meant:
Early in our marriage like many couples, we fought a lot. We wasted a lot of time finding fault, criticizing, and blaming each other for just about everything. We’d push each other’s buttons and before we knew it, we’d be saying all kinds of hurtful things to each other. There were times when things got so bad that even considered getting a divorce. But, in our hearts, we knew that wasn’t the answer. It would have been devastating our children and to us. We knew we had to find an answer. We had to find a way being together and being happy. Neither of us was willing to just stay [together] for the kid’s sake and be miserable. And there was another factor. We knew we loved each other…and that was important. Our dilemma was that we just didn’t know how to turn things around. We searched and searched, determined to find the answer.
On one occasion, some friends invited us to hear a motivational speaker and he gave us the answer we needed. What he said was that ‘the secret to a happy relationship is to express gratitude and appreciation for all of the things, both large and small, that we did for each other’. The more we looked the more we found to appreciate.
“That sounds pretty simple,” we observed. “But, can you really do that?”
“It is quite simple,” they said, “but to be successful you have to train your mind to look for the positive rather than the negative. This one thing above all else has had a tremendous influence both in our marriage as well as in our family.”
We have not forgotten the wisdom of their answer. We have discovered how extremely helpful it has been in our own relationship. We now offer it to you.
The practice of expressing gratitude on a daily basis to your partner is related to an important universal principle: whatever you focus on expands. It means that whatever you give your attention to becomes more and more of your reality. It doesn’t matter whether or not your perception is right or wrong. Quite often, we misperceive others because we lack complete information. Our life experience is determined by where we focus our attention. It’s a matter of choice. So, if you’re unhappy, it’s quite possible that your focus has been on the negative. If you want to create more joy and happiness in your life and between you and your partner, then you must focus on the positive. And one important way of doing that is through gratitude.
So our advice to you, based upon the wisdom of that magnificent couple that had been married 67 years, is to give less attention to the things you don’t like about your partner and focus more of your attention on the positive. On a daily basis, express sincere gratitude to them for the things they do for you. If you do this, it will transform your life and relationship.
Jesse and Melva Johnson are Imago Therapists and authors of Mining for Gold in Your Relationship available at the Imago Shop. If you’ve found this article helpful or would like to make a comment, email a response to jessemelva@aol.com
www.PersonalTransformations.com
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