|
 Randi and Douglas, both New York natives, had very different upbringings. Douglas remembers his family as relatively normal: "Not a lot of action," he says. Randi recalls her family as "jet-set hippy types – sex, drugs, and rock and roll." Where they do find common ground is in the pain they both experienced during their respective childhoods.
Randi recognizes her step-father as the person who showed up for her throughout life. He was present at her wedding and at the birth of her child. While not self-pitying, she recognizes that she was not her mother's “primary focus." She had feelings of being abandoned by her mother and sought refuge in the care and attention of her step-father. Douglas uses the word "passive" when describing his father. His mother took charge, "wore the pants" and would push his father when he wasn't "living up to his potential." Often it felt as though the family (his father, sibling, and himself) were positioned against his mother.
This couple, who remembers their courtship as a "love affair" riddled with cards and notes exchanged several times a day and "chemistry, chemistry, chemistry,” were attracted to the Imago Dialogue because they felt that they needed a tool for better communication. Douglas feels he is often pushed too far, and Randi has "hit that wall many times."
What follows is a description of how the Imago Dialogue worked for Randi and Douglas, as seen on the DVD-based “Fitness Kit” for couples, entitled Through Conflict to Connection.
Douglas wants to talk about moving. He voices his concern that Randi will want to rehabilitate the new house too fast and too soon. Concerned about his wife's potential demands, he immediately recalls what it was like at the dinner table during his parents' constant fighting: he would disappear and pretend that the conflict was not real. This fear of confrontation is something that Douglas has brought with him to his current relationship. He wants Randi to “be happy with the house and the move,” yet he is afraid of the seemingly impossible demands of his wife. Douglas needs things to proceed slowly.
Randi becomes misty eyed with Douglas' revelation. She empathizes immediately with that "old pain" that is brought up when they fight and she expresses her desire to be more present in that moment in order to "sooth" him. She then acknowledges that his concern for her happiness is the exact thing that made her fall in love with him in the first place; that "caring, connection, and selfless concern" brings back the "origin of [their] union." Randi describes the pain she experiences when she does not sense that concern from Douglas. Feeling insignificant and unloved is “so familiar,” she says, “it is easy to stay there." She describes that deprivation as so familiar that she has become conditioned to it. She has used aesthetics, making her surroundings beautiful, as a means of taking care of herself and making herself feel loved. But hearing Douglas say that her happiness is more important than even his own has reminded her that she doesn't have to live in that place of complete self-reliance.
Imago Therapist Ben Cohen, Ph.D., helps facilitate the Dialogue between Randi and Douglas. With Ben’s help, they have been able to extract something vital to the health of their relationship: Douglas needs Randi to slow down and relax her demands, and Randi needs Douglas to be present and to show his love.
The cycle they have recreated from their childhood experiences works negatively without proper communication. The Imago Dialogue has revealed the negative ways these old wounds can impact their relationship, and the Dialogue is helping them discover positive ways to address their problems.
“Maybe when I come home, I can have a moment just to breathe and sit," Douglas asks of Randi. They then come up with an idea of meeting in the backyard so that their sons will be able to run around while Douglas is regrouping.
In the future, when looking at a new house that requires significant repair, rather than running away from the project altogether, Douglas has agreed to support Randi. Randi, for her part, has agreed to start small, focusing on individual elements one at a time, such as a "pink sink and toilet."
|
