Separate and Together
By Gene Shelly and Alixe Thompson
In relationship, we are in a continual dance of coming together with our partner and coming back to ourselves. The more conscious and fluid we can be with this, the more we nurture our own wholeness and that of our relationship. Neither tendency is inherently healthy or unhealthy. We naturally need both. Some people are more inclined to be joined at the hip, while others need their space. These tendencies may be a real expression of our desires and love, or they may be motivated by fear and discomfort. How conscious are you with maneuvering between yourself and the other? Pay attention to what is motivating your choice to move toward or away from your partner. Is it motivated by love, fear, wisdom or obligation?
Sometimes, being with our partner becomes a buffer from sitting with our own difficult emotions. It's a gift to be able to know our own soul. When you are triggered by your partner or by some difficult circumstances, can you sit with your emotions and check in with yourself about what is going on? Do you have the self nurturing skills to bring yourself back to center? It’s not something we are taught to do. Instead we run to do anything but that... eat, shop, talk, drink. If we don’t take the time to continually come back to ourselves, we get off balance and may not even realize it. It's great to have a tool bag of things that bring us back to center. They might include meditation, deep breathing or other relaxation techniques, yoga, walking, art or creative endeavors, writing and journaling, or listening to music. What works for you?
One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and our partner is the ability and willingness to be with ourselves. In this day and age of never-ending external stimulation, taking time for ourselves needs to be a conscious choice. Consider it as important as any other appointment and put it in your schedule, if need be! When we don’t take this time, we may lose touch with ourselves and not realize what our needs are. Then we are more prone to get upset with our partner. Knowing ourselves helps ground us and enables us to show up with presence and love. It helps us know the truth of who we are and it is truly intimate to share from that.
This is the essence of being differentiated, which means being able to share yourself deeply with another, yet have a strong sense of self. When we can be with ourselves, it gives us more room to allow our partner to be different than us. We are less prone to upset and there is more room for love. When intimacy is healthy, we are able to move together and apart in the flow of life and love.
Gene Shelly is a Certified Imago Therapist and a Clinical Instructor for the Imago Relationships International Institute. Alixe Thompson is a maketing consultant and the former contributing editor of Connections.
