From Caretaker to Self Care

 by Susan Frieder, Ph.D.

A woman’s need to please and serve as caretaker can have a devastating effect on her mental, physical and spiritual health.  Many of my clients come into the office complaining of being overwhelmed, exhausted and resentful.  They have somatic ailments like neck pain, high blood pressure, headaches and stomachaches. 

Often I find out that they have taken on the role of caretaker in their relationships, repeating the role they learned in their family of origin.  Many of my clients are the eldest or only girl in their childhood family.  Often they come from divorced families or from parents who struggled with alcoholism or mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder.

When these women were girls they had to take on the responsibility of being a physical or emotional caretaker while the adults were preoccupied with their own issues.  They had to take care of younger siblings; cooking and cleaning while their friends were out playing. Some of the girls became emotional surrogate spouses for their lonely or distressed parents.  One of my clients had to learn how to balance a checkbook at age 11 because her mother was a drug addict and incapable of handling the responsibility.

Now that they are adults, these women complain that they are over-functioning while their partner is under-functioning. The healing process begins with recognizing the pattern.  I use the analogy of a flight attendant telling passengers with children how to properly use the oxygen masks in case of emergency.  Though we’ve all heard the instruction many times, even the most intelligent of women may have the impulse to put the mask on the child first.  Of course the proper instruction is that you must put on your own oxygen mask first so that you can then be of help to your child. 

It is the same in daily life—you must take care of yourself so that you are able to be serene, stress-free, healthy, and in a better position to help others.  When a woman starts taking care of herself, stress-related ailments go away.  Women learn that it is OK to say “no” and that their self-esteem does not depend on of the needs of others.  A phrase I like to use is “Always choose guilt over resentment.”

Tip for today:

Take 5-10 minutes for yourself today without any distractions to relax and get a new perspective on your life.

Dr. Susan Frieder is a licensed clinical psychologist on Maui, specializing in relationship therapy.  She helps people transform their relationships by developing communication skills, re-romanticizing and bridging cross-cultural issues. Dr. Frieder also presents workshops integrating the body, mind and spirit nationally and internationally. She is the host of the radio show “Real Talk with Dr. Susan”.You can reach her at susanfrieder@hawaii.rr.com 

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