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The Purpose of Marriage Part V: A Conscious Marriage
By David Roche
Webster defines conscious as “aware of one’s own existence, having the mental faculties fully active, and known to oneself.” The words “intentional’’ and “deliberate” are also included in the definition.
Webster defines unconscious as “not conscious” (I love that one) and “not perceived at the level of awareness” or “not consciously realized, planned or done.”
I’d like you to focus on conscious as intentional or deliberate and unconscious as “not consciously realized, planned or done.”
Becoming conscious in a relationship is not easy. The most difficult part is first becoming aware of that fact that you act unconsciously most of the time. I was not aware of my unconscious behavior until I was over 50 years old (my siblings would just say I was a slow learner). Once you are aware of your unconscious behavior, acting in an intentional and deliberate way is actually much easier than it sounds.
The unconscious mind is not a bad thing. It keeps us alive and protects us from danger. Problems arise when the unconscious mind seems to run everything, especially in relationships. Every time our partners touch a wound from our childhood, we react with our unconscious mind (“I can’t believe you just said that” or “You are always so insensitive”). It’s that automatic and unplanned. The hurt we feel was not intended. Our partners really don’t have a clue about our deepest childhood wounds, those unmet needs from earlier days. The problem is, we’ve chosen to marry someone who is really good at touching these sore spots and then denying it (“What did I say?”).
Becoming aware of the totally unconscious relationship that we have and committing to a conscious relationship is fundamental and the key to a successful conscious relationship is dialogue.
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