The Purpose of Marriage Part V : A Conscious Marriage By David Roche    Webster defines conscious as “aware of one’s own existence, having the mental faculties fully active, and known to oneself.” The words “intentional’’ and “deliberate” are also included in the definition.   Webster defines unconscious as “not conscious” (I love that one) and “not perceived at the level of awareness” or “not consciously realized, planned or done.” I’d like you to focus on conscious as intentional or deliberate and unconscious as “not consciously realized, planned or done.”   Becoming conscious in a relationship is not easy. The most difficult part is first becoming aware of that fact that you act unconsciously most of the time. I was not aware of my unconscious behavior until I was over 50 years old (my siblings would just say I was a slow learner). Once you are aware of your unconscious behavior, acting in an intentional and deliberate way is actually much easier than it sounds.   The unconscious mind is not a bad thing. It keeps us alive and protects us from danger. Problems arise when the unconscious mind seems to run everything, especially in relationships. Every time our partners touch a wound from our childhood, we react with our unconscious mind (“I can’t believe you just said that” or “You are always so insensitive”). It’s that automatic and unplanned. The hurt we feel was not intended. Our partners really don’t have a clue about our deepest childhood wounds, those unmet needs from earlier days. The problem is, we’ve chosen to marry someone who is really good at touching these sore spots and then denying it (“What did I say?”).   We’re always so busy in our conversations getting our point across that we never allow our partner’s point to be completely understood. When we dialogue, we are consciously seeking to understand our partner.   Becoming aware of the totally unconscious relationship that we have and committing to a conscious relationship is fundamental and the key to a successful conscious relationship is dialogue.   Webster defines dialogue as a conversation between two or more persons. Harville Hendrix might define dialogue as developing understandings between two or more persons. The objective of dialogue is not to find the right answer, or come to only one conclusion. We’re always so busy in our conversations getting our point across that we never allow our partner’s point to be completely understood. When we dialogue, we are consciously seeking to understand our partner (now that’s different). We are fully committed to seeing the world from our partner’s point of view. At the end of a good dialogue, you don’t have one conclusion; you have two valid points of view that are understood by both of you.   Dialogue has three parts: mirroring, validating and empathizing. In dialogue, there are several steps: 1) The speaker makes their point. 2) The listener paraphrases what the speaker said, showing the speaker that he/she was totally understood. 3) The listener validates what the speaker said by acknowledging that what was said makes sense from the speaker’s point of view. It is important to remember that the speaking and mirroring might happen two or three times allowing the speaker to finish the thought and the thought to be fully understood.   You will notice two big differences between a conversation and a dialogue. First, the listener is not unconsciously reacting to what has been said. It takes conscious thought to really listen and playback what you’ve heard. Second, when you validate what was said you acknowledge the “otherness” in your partner, you acknowledge that they have a valid point of view. You are not necessarily agreeing. That’s not the point. You are, however, recognizing your partner as a separate being in the relationship with separate, valid thoughts.   After mirroring and validating, the listener then empathizes with the speaker by expressing how the speaker must feel, based on what has been heard. If the stated feelings aren’t right, the speaker can help the listener until he/she finally gets the feeling(s). All this is happening and the listener still hasn’t expressed their point of view! Wouldn’t it be great in all conversations if the listener fully understood what was being said before replying?   Once the speaker is finished, the roles are reversed and the process starts all over again. But the new speaker is now going to speak with a whole new level of knowledge. They know what their partner has said, they see that it makes sense and they understand how their partner feels. Instead of an unconscious reaction the new speaker will be consciously and intelligently responding.   I’m not suggesting that absolutely every conversation has to be a dialogue. I would recommend, however, that dialogue be used in certain conversations and you might find over time that this thing called dialogue isn’t so tough after all (the tough conversations are the unconscious ones or the ones after the big blow-up). I would practice because it will feel rehearsed and unnatural at first. When you start to get the hang of it, use dialogue in every conversation where you are expressing different points of view, where one partner has a complaint to express or when there is a lot of emotion in the air.

A Conscious Marriage    Sooner or later the marriage will hit a rough patch.   This statement was a quote from one of my church pastor as he began a sermon about fighting to keep your marriage alive. He continued with some depressing divorce statistics: about 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 76% of second marriages end in divorce, 87% of third marriages end in divorce and 93% of fourth marriages end in divorce (I hope I got all those numbers right).   This presents a very bleak picture of marriage. The statistics get worse because most people don’t learn from the mistakes of the first marriage and those mistakes continue into the second, the third, and the fourth (when are we going to learn?). Most people think the problem in the first marriage was the wrong partner and everything will be fine as soon as they find the right partner. Then they go and marry the same type of person they married before.   It’s not about finding the right partner; it’s about being the right partner.   You’ve probably seen this quote from Harville Hendrix before, most likely in a Connections newsletter.  Even after a divorce, it’s not too late to understand the purpose of marriage: to heal childhood wounds and to become whole. It’s not too late to understand the reasons for choosing the partners we do: we need to be healed by the same type of person that wounded us in the first place. It’s not too late to understand that in order to heal our partner’s childhood wounds and in order for us to become whole, we must change; we must bring back our true self from the buried past. It’s not too late to understand that the “rough patch” (the power struggle) will undoubtedly happen; it is supposed to happen and must happen if the healing and the growing are going to take place. Real love in a marriage will not happen without the power struggle. It is the impetus for change, for growth, and for healing. We’re just not supposed to get stuck in it permanently.   I believe that 95% of marriages fail; fail to achieve their purpose, fail to achieve what we’re all looking for -- real love. But all marriages can be successful if only we invest our time and efforts into being conscious in our partnership.   Dialogue is the key to a conscious marriage. When we mirror, validate and empathize with our partners, the conscious mind is in control and we stay away from the unconscious reactivity that gets us into so much trouble. Listening to your partner and mirroring back what you heard is essential, especially when the subject is sensitive, when there’s disagreement, or when emotions are a little raw.  It isn’t easy to do. Your mind can’t work on justifying your actions and preparing your argument if you’re trying to listen to every word your partner just said in order to accurately mirror back what you’ve heard.  Even if you don’t see it the same way, even if you disagree, you still want to validate what your spouse has said. Validation is simply saying that what your spouse has said makes sense when you look at the issue from their point of view. Finally, after mirroring and validating, you need to show your spouse that you understand how they are feeling by empathizing. Tell them you get what they are feeling; name the feeling and confirm if this is indeed correct.   Dialoguing is not about solving or resolving problems; mirroring, validating and empathizing is about dissolving problems.   In addition to the positive effects of dialogue during the discussion of some sensitive topics, dialoguing is something we should be doing all the time because the positive impact of dialoguing goes way beyond communication. Psychologists say that empathy is oxygen for the soul. Without oxygen we die physically. Without empathy, we die emotionally. Empathy is the key to relationship connectivity. The dialogue process allows us to fully understand our partner (mirroring) and then validate both their experience and their feelings. When we acknowledge the feelings of others, we aid the growth and healing process. When we acknowledge the point of view of others, we acknowledge that there is an additional reality to ours. It’s when we insist that our reality is the only reality that we get stuck in the power struggle.   Mutual empathy in relationships provides maximum psychological growth. In growth- fostering relationships each person has a greater sense of vitality and energy and both feel more able to act. Each has a more accurate picture of his/her self and the other person and each feels a greater sense of worth.  Finally, each person feels more connected to the other and is more motivated to connect with other people outside the relationship.   So work on your dialogue. Don’t worry if it feels a little stilted until you get the hang of it. Pretty soon, mirroring, validating and empathizing can become second nature. Give your spouse and your children the gift of “oxygen for the soul” by mirroring, validating and empathizing at least once each day.      Directions for a simple Imago Dialogue You can begin to use the Imago Dialogue to share with your partner something that concerns you.  A great way to start using the dialogue is to share something that you appreciate about your partner. Try it, and see how you feel when your partner mirrors back your appreciation of them.     Here are some specific phrases you can use as you practice dialogue:   SENDER I would like to dialogue about . . . Is now okay? I feel . . . I love . . . I need . . . What’s bothering me is . . .   RECEIVER 1. Mirroring Let me see if I’ve got you. I heard you say . . . or You said . . . Am I getting you? or Did I get that? Is there more about that? Summary mirror Let me see if I got it all . . .? Am I getting you? Did I get all of that? or Is that a good summary?   2. Validation You make sense to me, and what makes sense is . . . I can understand that . . .given that . . . I can see how you would see it that way because sometimes I do . . .   3. Empathy I imagine you might be feeling . . . Is that what you’re feeling? SWITCH ROLES  Copyright: Hunt/Hendrix and Imago Relationships International  2007   David C. Roche is an Imago Educator and is a member of the Board of Directors of Imago Relationships International. David is currently a marketing consultant and lives with his wife Diane in the Chicago area. He has held many sales, marketing and general management positions in his career in the USA, Canada and Mexico. He is an avid golfer and skier and loves to play the guitar and the drums.   Home