What’s it like to attend an Imago workshop?…
Breaking step in the masochistic tango of marital strife
By Helen Atkinson
Couples, they say, have the same argument for 40 years. Or else - in the majority of cases now - they choose to cut the battle short and separate instead. But why is it that certain issues never get resolved, eating away into the contentment and appreciation we might otherwise feel for our spouses and partners? A bright-minded pastoral counselor and psychologist, Dr. Harville Hendrix, decided to lock horns with exactly these questions after his first marriage disintegrated 30 years ago. Along with his second wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, he came up with a methodology called Imago, which means “image” in Latin. Hendrix’s first Imago book “Getting the Love You Want” is still a self-help bestseller 17 years after it was first published. With 2,000 trained Imago therapists in 28 countries and 60,000 couples treated, it seems that something about Imago works.
My husband and I, I’m glad to say, are in a benevolently blissful stage of our marriage, so I was skeptical when he asked me to join him in attending a two-day Imago couples workshop in Boston in September. But, since he had recently been made executive director of Imago Relationships International - the not-for-profit that supports the international community of Imago therapists - it seemed churlish to deny him the opportunity of sampling the wares.
That was how I came to find myself sitting in a relentlessly beige hotel conference room with 21 other couples from an intriguing range of backgrounds – the Southern belle and her tight-jawed husband; the shaggy new age couple; the manicured publishing executive and her novelist partner; the easy-going pair from the mid-West. We took our seats in a horseshoe formation around the workshop presenters Hedy and Yumi Schleifer, who introduced themselves with a gusto that warmed the whole room. The Schleifers began by showing us a series of cartoons on an overhead projector, making us all giggle at the woeful state of romance in the modern world.
Presently, however, the cartoons became interspersed with diagrams, as the Schleifers started walking us through Imago theory in earnest, still being careful to keep us laughing. Then we moved on to exercises. Each one was demonstrated first by a volunteer couple, guided by the Schleifers, after which we were sent into quiet corners to work on our own. There was no obligation to do your dirty laundry in public. You could sit and listen, and then work on your own with your partner. But helping demonstrate, or sharing your thoughts in the more open sessions, made it a lot more real. One great bear of a man burst into tears when, after he’d helped demonstrate an exercise called “the behavior change request” with his wife, another fellow declared that in his next life he’d like him as a father or brother.
The energy of creating a temporary community of people who are together trying to improve their romantic relationships is gold dust to the Schleifers, and to the attendees. On more than one occasion during the weekend, real live situations of conflict came up. Early on Sunday morning, a very angry Hassidic wife stood up to leave – her husband just wasn’t “getting it” she said. Hedy calmed her down and persuaded her to stay, using the very techniques she and Yumi were trying to teach us.
One of the first steps towards examining problems is called “mirroring.” Most arguments come about because one party has a strong need to complain about something. In expressing it, that person is often met with defensiveness and denial by their partner, resulting in back-and-forth volleys which quickly escalate.
Mirroring, instead, teaches you to listen to a complaint, and repeat it back, making sure you’ve fully understood it. A typical example would be: “I hear you say that you’re angry I didn’t take out the trash, even though you asked me and I agreed to do it. Did I get you?” When your partner says yes, you ask: “Is there more about that?” And it’s compelling to find out quite how much more there nearly always is. While it’s hard at first to ask for further complaint – why invite another shower of arrows? - it’s strange how calming this question can be to your partner.
We learned that opening up diffuses the heat. Imago’s theory is that, in most situations where we get upset, 90% of it is about something from that past that never got resolved, and that recognizing this helps put the current conflict in perspective. Predictably, the unresolved issues are usually childhood feelings of rejection and dispossession, but they are no less potent because of being predictable. Pausing to take note of these influences and examine them, especially together, seems to draw away ire like quicksand and help deepen the bond. Then you can go on to tackle the knottier problems.
But why is it so often necessary to find a way of defusing explosive conflicts with our partners? In other words, why do we shack up with the person who seems most able to drive us nuts? This is where the term “imago” comes into play.
Imago’s take on it is that we seek in our partners someone we recognize as being able to complete the unfinished business of childhood, and heal its wounds. The trouble is that this kind of person is likely to possess very similar characteristics to the person who wounded you in the first place. After all, the great healing fantasy is that a cold father would one day gather you up in his arms and yearn to know all of your most intimate feelings; an over-involved mother would suddenly offer unconditional approval in choices of career or spouse. It wouldn’t make much difference to us if a stranger, or even a friend, did these things.
The first flush of love is energized by the recognition that we have found someone capable of righting the old wrongs and flushing out the dark caverns in the heart where Golum-like figures still lurk. Finding out that this is not necessarily your partner’s priority or intention is a crushing, sickening blow, which often results in retaliation. Heaven or hell – these are the stakes.
A couple of days after our workshop, my husband and I were on the verge of one of those disagreements about scheduling that quickly becomes a tight-jawed negotiation in which neither side emerges happy. The words “matter of principle” were beginning to make their ugly appearance. Instead, we used the mirroring technique, and both of us realized that the disagreement was more about respecting each other’s desires and priorities than how we juggled business and pleasure on a long weekend in California. One of the most valuable skills we learned at the workshop, and deployed now, was how to get inside each other’s point of view and fully understand it and validate it, without necessarily having to agree. After all, a great deal of resentment – that giant relationship killer – comes from simply not feeling heard.
If arguments go on for forty years, it’s because two people get locked into a pattern of demand and reaction as tired as an old music hall number. By showing a way of breaking those stale routines, Imago helps change the dance.
Helen Atkinson is a journalist, writer and public relations consultant. Her partner, Tim Atkinson, joined Imago Relationships International in 2004 as Executive Director, after a career in corporate and nonprofit management.
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