Dreaming of World Peace? Start with your relationship.
By Tim Atkinson, Executive Director, Imago Relationships International
How many of us, if granted three wishes, would ask for world peace? Or maybe we wouldn’t – because we stopped believing in it a long time ago.
As I’ve become older I’ve begun to learn about one of the biggest obstacles to world peace. Me! I learned from reading J. Krisnamurti, and other great authors, that I create what I am. If I am not at peace with myself, then the chances are I will reflect some of my conflict onto the world. If I want world peace, then I have to be peaceful. And if what I create reflects who I am, then I need to start with myself. Here. Now.
There are many ways to learn how to be at peace with yourself. Most of them are harder than they look. It’s easy to sit for a while in a beautiful monastery and be at peace with yourself for a few minutes. But if you have ever tried meditation, you know it’s a messy, frustrating experience, as thoughts in your head vie for attention like a shaken snow globe. It takes a very long time and extraordinary commitment before meditation begins to transform our minds into peace. Yoga is also another great approach, particularly if you are willing to dedicate the time to practice it in a spiritual way.
Using Imago to work on your relationship with your partner can also be a path to peace, for the simple reason that your intimate relationships are the nearest way in which you interact with the world.
First, the advantages:
- It’s often something we may need to do anyway – or face continual frustration, arguments, and maybe even the trauma of failure.
- If we get it right, deepening our relationship, then we are rewarded with the delights of true love.
Working through the Imago process with your partner, is fascinating, inspiring, and often deeply satisfying right from the start. And the more you ask about your partner, the more the romance and passion increases!
But how does Imago work lead us to internal peace, the same sort of peace that might be achieved through meditation or yoga?
Daniel Siegel, MD is a neurobiologist, clinical psychologist and author of “The Mindful Brain”. He has united many studies to create a clearer view of what we mean by “mindfulness”, a word used to describe the state people reach through meditation practices.
Mindfulness allows people to increase their ability to deflect negativity and judgmental thoughts. Mindful people see things as they are, rather than filtered through their own emotions and history, and therefore tend to be less reactive – responding with anger, defensiveness or withdrawal to something a partner said. They also become much more aware of things, including the beauty of the world around them.
With all this comes a profound sense that our physical separation is an illusion – we are all part of something larger. As Einstein said “A human being… experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
People who become “mindful” are able to move out of what Einstein’s “optical delusion” and increase their compassion. The practice of compassion is the practice of peace.
How can Imago Dialogue build your mindfulness and compassion muscles?
1. Listen. This seems obvious, but listening brings inner stillness. You can learn to focus fully on what your partner is saying. This is a mindful practice –shifting your attention from your own thoughts to another’s, without judging or reacting.
2. Become aware of your own thoughts and feelings. Taking your turn as the speaker is an opportunity to practice awareness of your own thoughts and feelings. But unlike meditation, when you try to still the chatter of thoughts, as your partner asks you “is there more”, you get a chance to really follow these thoughts, and learn their origin. Your partner then mirrors them back to you.
The next time these thoughts come up, you will find yourself less absorbed in them, or the associated pain. This, in turn, helps you to be present for others.
3. You create a sacred space. Something else beautiful happens in an Imago dialogue, as you become aware of the “sacred space” you and your partner create together. It’s the space which includes you both, and connects you both. It’s a deep experience of connectedness, and of the idea that in addition to each of you, physically separate, there is a relationship that is real.
4. Empathy leads to compassion. The emergence of empathy in an Imago dialogue is also a powerful practice. As we learn to practice empathy with our partner – it extends to others too. And empathy lies at the heart of compassion.
Imago practice is unlikely to be your silver bullet to the deepest levels of mindfulness. But it can start your journey. Even if you are already committed to a meditative practice, you may find that a deep connecting dialogue with your partner is a profound and transformative experience.
The Imago dialogue is also useful outside of your relationship with your romantic partner. It can be helpful with a friend, and there’s a version for groups called Communologue. This has already been used by groups to ameliorate profound conflict – such as that between Arabs and Israelis, and between Hutus and Tutsis.
But you don’t need to be re-connecting people divided by war to be working for peace. Just creating peace in your relationship will bring you peace, and maybe give you the clarity and compassion to understand how else you can fill the world with more love. |
