Why does heartbreak hurt so much?  There’s some new research that offers some great insights into the world of couples therapy.  Ellen McCarthy writing in the Washington Post picked up the story of work at Stony Brook University of New York into what goes on inside the heads of those who are heartbroken.

If you are familiar with Imago Relationship counseling you may recall that when we first fall in love the brain releases a powerful cocktail of chemicals, which make us feel on top of the world.  According to Harville Hendrix, these chemicals are important, because while we are very good at recognizing our ideal partner, we need a little time to get really connected before we discover that there’s a downside.   When the initial euphoria of the drugs wears off, we begin to discover that part of being with the ideal partner is discovering some profound differences, which we need to work on together.

OK, but what if we don’t make it that far?  What happens when our relationship breaks down, and we’ve gotten used to those nice drugs? 

Withdrawal!! 

Yes, according to the lead researcher, psychologist Art Aron, the brains of the heartbroken show activity quite similar to a cocaine addict who has just given up the drug.  Aron has been using brain imaging for the last 10 years, in partnership with anthropologist Helen Fisher.   Fisher once joined us as the keynote at an Imago conference, showing how these brain studies supported Imago theories of attraction.

While this study focused on people who had been totally rejected by their partners, it’s likely that the same thing is happening with people who feel rejected, and who have lost those feelings of warmth, love and connection that make a relationship feel so great.

Of course there’s a lot more complexity in real life.  It’s going to be a different kind of “drug withdrawal” if you partner rejects you while you are still in the early “head over heals” romantic stage.  That’s likely to be a different brain response to when things go wrong a little later when the relationship has become more stable.  But it still points to the depth and power of what is going on in our brains.  Heartache is serious real stuff, with changes in brain chemistry and operation.  That hurt is real, and no wonder so many people reach out for relationship help.

What can Imago offer if something in your relationship with your partner is making your  heart feel like someone put it into a thumb screw?  That’s often a feeling you get when the connection is broken with a partner who you once felt so close with.  Imago offers a way to restore that connection, often quickly and effectively.

Often when things go wrong, real communication can quickly disappear, and our partner might feel like a stranger who we can’t really talk to about the things we really need to.  That’s where the Imago dialogue comes in, providing a safe and non-judgmental way to talk to each other, and to create a conversation which opens up connection again, and getting some of those love drugs flowing again.