I haven’t seen Adam Sandler’s latest movie, co-starring Jennifer Anniston.  And judging by the reviews – I’m unlikely to, unless maybe I’m on a plane.  That doesn’t stop me writing about it though.  There’s enough in the synopsis to get me interested in the idea of exploring what happens when we pretend to be something we’re not in our relationships.

In the movie, Sandler’s character, a single plastic surgeon, pretends to be unhappily married in order to attract sympathetic women.The underlying premise is ‘I’m not good enough as I am’.   In real life, you might be surprised how many of do this subconsciously, and that can get in the way of real connection.

I present as evidence a survey by the  UK’s Daily Mail http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1282851/Six-10-couples-unhappy-relationship.html, which showed that six out of ten couples are unhappy in their relationships. 

Imago theory is based on the  belief  that we  feel fulfilled when we have created an unconditionally loving relationship, which is what we usually didn’t get as children.  Harville Hendrix, PhD, the founder of Imago, teaches that subconsciously couples are trying to re-run their old childhood movie, but with their romantic partner cast in the role of parents.  The re-run is intended to have a happier ending where couples finally feel complete.  Couples even have an image of their parents in mind, when auditioning potential partners.

But far from being a romantic comedy like “Just go with it” so many people find their relationships turn into tragedy.  To gain approval people hide their faults and ‘play act’ at being the partner they think they should be. That’s one reason why the Daily Mail survey and others declare that the #1 couples complaint is lack of connection.

It’s not that couples don’t talk.  But when they talk they are still acting out their best-self character.  They often aren’t getting real with each other, because going beneath the surface and exposing vulnerable traits is emotionally risky.

There’s so often that point in a romantic movie when the hero has messed up completely and consistently.  His only recourse is to expose his unprotected real self.   That’s often the most loving and romantic part of the movie, when the hankies come out and the lovers become genuine and connected.

But you don’t need to go through a series of indescribably embarrassing comic situations to become connected.  Imago teaches couples to connect with each other through a straightforward dialogue.  Imago helps couples develop authentic and emotionally intimate relationships through listening techniques, nonjudgmental attitudes, and empathetic listening. Imago Relationship Therapists believe that couples that feel safe enough to become vulnerable to one another create satisfying connections.