From Couples Therapy to “Ciao”, the Italians are known for doing everything in style.   The New York Times recently reported on Italy’s first divorce fair, held in Milan.

It turns out a divorce fair isn’t quite as exciting as it sounds.  It’s just a couple of thousand people streaming into the basement of a hotel, and checking out lawyers, dating agencies, and something called a divorce planning agency.  Well, if you had a planner for your wedding, why not for your divorce. 

Elizabetta Poveldo who wrote the NY Times article, points out some extraordinarily rapid social shifts in Italy, where Divorce wasn’t even ratified until 1974.  The divorce rate has quadrupled over 30 years, albeit from a very slow start.  Even now the process of divorce takes 5 years.

I recently set up a relationship advice forum, where people can come and ask questions about relationships.  Right now we don’t have couples counselors giving the responses, but we will soon.  So I’m holding the fort and offering snippets of relavant Imago educational information.  But it’s an insight into the experiences people have which lead to places like Italy wanting to change legislation so that it’s quicker to divorce.  That’s their best solution to failing marriages.

There are many stories on the relationship advice board, but also maybe just one story.  It’s the story of people who fall in love, care deeply for one another, and then drift apart to the point where one partner finally wants out.

Imago couples therapy talks about this in terms of a relationship journey.  It’s great at the start, full of romance and great brain chemicals which help you feel great.  But after a while the differences come to the surface, and little fights emerge, which often seem rather trivial.  But underneath those fights lie some deep emotional needs, which are often linked to painful subconscious memories from childhood.  Since the fighting itself is deeply painful, its not uncommon for couples to avoid that pain by beginning to become emotionally more distant from their partner.

To avoid their pain, they kill their love.

I’ve seen many people this week ask “Is it over?  Is there hope?  My partner says he doesn’t love me – but can I hope that he will love me again?  Can a marriage counselor help me?”

The Imago answer is “Yes!”.  And one of the reasons why Imago couples counseling is so successful is because it doesn’t start with trying to solve the problems, it starts with rebuilding the connection.  Imago dialogue helps couples drop down some of the defences they have built against the pain/love experience with their partner, and start loving again.

A few thousand attended Italy’s divorce fair.  When the same organizer ran a sex product fair, 62,000 came.  But how many would come if we set up a “Learn to love your partner again” fair?