If you are familiar with Imago Relationship counseling you may recall that when we first fall in love the brain releases a powerful cocktail of chemicals, which make us feel on top of the world. According to Harville Hendrix, these chemicals are important, because while we are very good at recognizing our ideal partner, we need a little time to get really connected before we discover that there’s a downside. When the initial euphoria of the drugs wears off, we begin to discover that part of being with the ideal partner is discovering some profound differences, which we need to work on together.

For those of you new to validation, this is what we call the second main step in a dialogue. First you would mirror your partner, carefully repeating back what you had heard. And then you “Validate”, which doesn’t mean any form of clerical processing, but just simply saying “You make sense, and the reason you make sense is…”

Hardly surprising then that Tara Parker-Pope, writing last month in the New York Times talks about how several groups are turning to online approaches to end marital strife. Some approaches are based on the idea of an online survey, which measures your marital health, and points out areas where you might need relationship help. Other approaches are more like Imago couples therapy, where couples learn to understand and accept each other more fully.

Regular addicts of this column may recall my obsession with connecting relationship help and happiness. Voyagers to the mountain kingdom of Bhutan can enjoy a country whose success is measured in happiness, and that good relationships are honored as the best path to a happy life.

Unless you are a man who is happier than your wife.

The main result from Baker and McNulty was that if you are shy, you will find it just as easy to find a partner as everyone else. But you won’t be as happy. There’s a poignant twist. Your partner maybe blissfully happy with the relationship, partly because you may be too shy to tell them that they need to shape up and meet your needs more

From Couples Therapy to “Ciao”, the Italians are known for doing everything in style. The New York Times recently reported on Italy’s first divorce fair, held in Milan.

It turns out a divorce fair isn’t quite as exciting as it sounds. It’s just a couple of thousand people streaming into the basement of a hotel, and checking out lawyers, dating agencies, and something called a divorce planning agency. Well, if you had a planner for your wedding, why not for your divorce.

Elizabetta Poveldo who wrote the NY Times article, points out some extraordinarily

My father died late last year at the age of 86. I expect that when he was a young man he would have regarded 70 as a great achievement, let alone 80. But a very close friend this week had an operation to remove cancer which left her without an eye, and another found that a cardiac check-up led almost immediately to bypass surgery. Yet another is struggling with persistent glaucoma. It’s like I’ve reached the age where my friends are falling apart. “Let’s get younger friends” quipped my wife, the mistress of black comedy. Or maybe I shouldn’t hang out with so many marriage counselors?

You wouldn’t fight with your marriage counselor would you? It turns out that actually most of us do just that.  It’s a subtle and unconscious fight.  Couples therapists call it resistance.  It’s actually a natural and unavoidable part of the marriage counseling process.  I go and see a stranger, and the plan is to tell [...]

In a time when marriages are experiencing increased stress from financial worries, many divorce firms are reporting that couples are waiting to move forwards with their divorces, because they can’t afford to separate. It used to be that financing a divorce was easy, selling property to free up surplus equity. Now couples might find that one partner is unemployed, their house difficult to sell, and even if they could, they don’t have the funds to establish two homes.

That’s when my good friend Rod Kochtitzky asked me if I ever looked at a map before I went on a long journey. “You can think of couples therapy as the road” he said. “But the Imago couples retreat shows you where you are going.”