Deep equals happy?

Since I started blogging about couples counseling, I’ve become more curious about what others are blogging about.  Which is how I came across a short blog article in the New York times about the value of deep conversations. 

I’ve celebrated my 50th birthday, which qualifies me to be rather excited when I all of a sudden discover features of the world wide web which my young nephew has been using daily  for years.  “What is this RSS thing?” I ask in a crusty voice.  Actually I didn’t. I asked google, and I’m now amazed at the delights of being served up daily a string of enticing headlines via RSS feed, which included the tempting title “Talk Deeply, Be Happy?” . 

The author, Roni Caryn Rabin is honest enough to reveal that the whole article is based on a single study of 79 college students.  The conclusion was that if you talk about things which matter, you are happier.

The reason this jumped out of me was because after an exciting two days of tracking a few leading blogs about couples counseling and relationships, and even reading Oprah magazine, I came to the conclusion that an awful lot is being written about very little.  Remember I’m over 50 now, so I’m permitted to crustily announce to anyone within earshot, or cyber-shot, that the world is becoming depressingly shallow.  And if studying 79 students is enough evidence to pronounce that depth is the traveling companion of bliss, then  misery loves company as long as it doesn’t challenge its brain cells too much.

This seems to be the point in my blogging career when I need to admit that I live in the same world as one Jerry Seinfeld, formerly knife sharp observer of human foibles, who has now turned the spectacle of marital conflict into the sort of public entertainment which reminds me of the  moral  murkiness of spending Saturday afternoon watching gladiators kill each other in the Colliseum.  Seinfeld is fairly clear-eyed about the entertainment value of his TV show The Marriage Ref.   ”This is not a therapy show, it’s a comedy show. After nine years of marriage, I have discovered that the comedic potential of this subject is quite rich” he told Entertainment Weekly.   Couples counseling as comedy.  At least they walk away physically unharmed. (“Emporer declares gladiatorial games jolly good fun” I can imagine some Roman town-crier yelling to the crowd.)

John Gottman PhD, the great marriage researcher, identified that even the most successful couples have long-running arguments.  I don’t know about you, but when held up to the light of day, my marital conflict often looks pretty shallow.  “Did you take the trash out?” isn’t one of our classics, but illustrates the level of banality at which the domestic battles takes place.

That’s why I feel that my happiness quota started darting for the sky the day Harville Hendrix taught me how to argue properly, by using three magic words.  “Is There More?”   Used in the right way, within the Imago dialogue, those three words encourage depth.  They invite our partner to share the story that lies underneath the disagreement over the household budget, and my grumpy refusal to have fun that night. 

Deep conversations shift relationships.  I once tried to read Martin Buber on this subject, and his book “I-Thou”, but I’ve settled to have him explained to me by others.  You can either relate to others as if they were an object, some kind of extension of your own way of seeing the world.  That’s called an “I-it” relationship.  Have you ever found yourself feeling lonely even when surrounded by others?  That’s a taste of “I-it”.    Or you can relate to others as different people, who function in a completely different way, quite independently of how our own mind conceptualizes the world.   That’s the “I-Thou” relationship – the deep powerful transforming connection, which feeds our spiritual heart.

Before I go way too far off the point, let’s look at what this means for couples therapy.  If you are seeing a marriage counselor, its worth asking yourself the question about whether their approach is taking you deep.  Are you discussing the surface mechanics of who is right and wrong, and who needs to behave better?  Or does your couples counseling involve exploring the influence of your deeper emotional needs, your history, and your partners?  Are you learning to patch up on the surface, or create a deep and joyful connection?

If you have a great relationship, maybe a couples therapist can make you happier, if they can help and guide you to go deep, and explore the richness of connection.   Or as I wrote in one of my earlier blogs – Happiness is Relational.