Couples Therapy when you can’t afford divorce!
When can I afford to leave him?
How does couples therapy fare when times are tough? “In the Great Recession, breaking up is hard to do” writes Donna St.George in the Washington Post. Is this good news for marriage counselors?
In a time when marriages are experiencing increased stress from financial worries, many divorce firms are reporting that couples are waiting to move forwards with their divorces, because they can’t afford to separate. It used to be that financing a divorce was easy, selling property to free up surplus equity. Now couples might find that one partner is unemployed, their house difficult to sell, and even if they could, they don’t have the funds to establish two homes.
That leaves a large number of unhappy couples, feeling trapped in the same living space with a partner they have left emotionally a long time ago. It is reminiscent of tales I heard from Russia, where it is common for each separated partner to find a new partner to move in with, before they can leave the old partner. Living space is so expensive and in short supply there are few other options.
I’m in daily contact with couples therapists around the world, and I’m sad to say that those who find they can’t afford divorce, don’t seem to be flocking to marriage counseling either. It’s reasonable to guess that if they believed that couples counseling could save their marriage, they would find the few hundred dollars to restore harmony in their one and only home. So the obvious conclusion seems to be that so many couples see separation when the economic clouds lift, as the only light in a dark tunnel. Imagine the pain they must be living in now.
It would be wonderful if we had a way of measuring which of these couples were simply married to the wrong person, and which could have made it, given different circumstances. But we can at least guess that a lot of those couples could have a great chance of happiness together, with the right help. The tragedy is that some might desperately want that help with their relationship, but with unemployment and falling property values, simply can’t afford it.
That leads me to the conclusion that we, as a society as a whole, simply don’t really trust couples therapy to work. Even in the movies its often portrayed just as something responsible people “do”, the way they “do” other rights of passage like engagement parties and showers. It’s something you “do” before you see a divorce lawyer, that’s all. I wonder if someone did a survey of people going into marriage counseling how many would say they really believed it would work?
If you have been reading my blogs at all, you might notice that one thing I love to do is to put one idea that is currently in the top of my mind, together with another idea that crosses my path. My current obsession is with the role of couples retreats in the couples therapy process. If you are going to see a highly skilled marriage counselor, what would be the benefit of also going to a couples weekend workshop?
It turns out that the answer might well be because it shifts your whole relationship to couples therapy. The process that I suspect few of us really trust in, is where we place ourselves in front of a marriage counselor who “does things to us”. But that tends to be what I think a lot of people expect from couples counseling, and so that’s the mindset they might approach it with. Attending an Imago workshop changes that, because couples realize they can take ownership for the whole process. They are in the driving seat now, they have the understanding of what is tearing them apart, and how to put it back together again. That’s one shift in perspective which can be a powerful force towards success.
The question I am left with, is how can we create a cultural shift around the issue of couples therapy? How can we build faith in it’s effectiveness, and give hope and access to the couples trapped in some sort of domestic hell, which they can’t afford to escape from?
Got any answers? I would love to hear from you.
See previous article: http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/blog/couples-retreats/couples-therapy-is-road/
I am very sadly contemplating divorce after trying couple therapy for years with two different marriage counselors. My husband has been involved in a long term affair with a very young woman for the past 8 years.After discovering the affair, five years ago, my husband promised to stop the affair and work very hard with me on rebuilding our marriage. A few month ago, I found out that he was involved again with the same woman. He is denying any involvement with her but I have a detective report stating the opposite. This situation has been very painful as we have been keeping everything secret from our 3 children until the end of the school year so we don’t disrupt their studies with this very upsetting event.Is there any hope to save the relationship and the marriage when one of the partners is being unfaithful repeatedly? Please help me.
Dear Graziella
I can offer you a little advice based on Imago, but please remember in a serious situation like this, most people need professional help to get through.
What a terrible situation for you, and all of your family.
I would like to set out one approach to couples therapy. I don’t know if you have tried Imago, but maybe if you understand a little more it can give you some hope and help you find the right support.
People usually have affairs because they don’t feel their emotional needs are met at home. And if you have 3 children to look after, I can imagine how hard it is for each of you to give each other the love you need. Many parents of a family find themselves too exhausted for sex, and if they have a quiet evening alone it isn’t to have a romantic dinner out – it’s to fall asleep infront of the TV. Peace – how blissful.
Your question was “Is there Hope”. And yes, there is hope. If you and your husband were drawn to each other strongly enough to build a family of 3, then at one time another your love would have been apparent to everyone. I’m just guessing that over time things got tough with the family and it faded.
In Imago, we would encourage some deep and caring conversations between you about what it is you miss about each other. There’s a way we suggest you talk about it – one person talks, while they other listens, and mirrors back the words. Start just by sharing about some romantic memories, so you can remember what your relationship once was, and can be again.
But soon you will need the discussion to understand what it is that both of you need from each other to make it fun and exciting again – so exciting that the idea of an affair with someone else wouldn’t even occur.
Maybe you can do that work on your own. You could start by buying and reading the book “Getting The Love You Want”. Now I don’t want to feel like I’m pushing stuff, but you did ask, and the reason I am doing this particular job is because I believe that the experience of going to a “Getting The Love You Want” weekend workshop can change your life in two-days. But realistically, hearing your pain, I think you shoud consider an Imago therapist for a few follow-up sessions too.
Hope this helps.
My sister is sadly trapped in a failed marriage where there is virtually no prospect of her and her husband working things out. Unfortunately after over 10 years of unhappiness and trying to “make it work,” she has found she can’t afford to divorce him. What are her options. Having stayed in the marriage this long has contributed to severe depression and a few “meltdown” episodes. It has now deteriorated to the point, that I really worry about her emotional health. A lawyer consulted advised her to try to work it out, but her husband has been very cruel to her. They have 2 young children, 9 and 10 yrs old. What can she do?
Dear Janet,
Thanks so much for your question. How sad to hear about your sister.
This is the kind of question that’s very difficult to answer well based on just the information in an email, and when I hear the words “severe depression” I always think “seek professional help”. Depression should be taken very seriously, but fortunately there are so many ways in which medical professionals can help, although people don’t always turn to them for help. Her doctor may be a good place to start the discussion.
Couples often do try to “work things out” together, but without understanding the dynamics of relationships,or having the right communication tools to talk about the serious issues. There’s a lot of relationship education programs available which can teach couples this, often at very low cost, and we even have some free resources on your site. But these are often best for couples who are looking to strengthen an already good relationship. When things are as bad as you describe, I think I would be doing you a diservice not to recommend seeking professional couples counseling. Divorce, as you point out is expensive, and tragic for the children involved.
Couples Therapy can work, and can make a huge difference relatively quickly. One of the things Imago therapists try to do in the first session is provide the couples with hope, and give them a new way to see things. Often couples in your sister’s situation attend an Imago weekend workshop together – and even that can work miracles, in just two days.