Online marriage counseling meets Jerry Seinfeld!  “The Marriage Ref” is a TV show produced by Seinfeld where couples reveal their relationship problems, and a referee steps in to say who wins.  Now there’s an online version.  And you can be “the marriage ref”.  Or you can reveal your own disputes and see which side the world votes for.  Want to try it – just go to http://couplesspark.com/. 

You won’t be alone when you get there, since the site was just reviewed in the Washington Post.   It was created by a 27 year old bio-informatics expert, Kunmi Ayanbule, who was quoted as saying “My goal is to get couples talking, that’s what really resolves conflicts.”

When I went online to check it out, I have to confess I was expecting to be appalled.  I imagined messy fights about taking out the trash, and all sorts of hideous comments from the people who can post comments.  I was pleasantly surprised.   I tuned in on a “conflict” between a couple who hadn’t had sex in a year.  Some posted practical relationship help, although one person said “A woman who hasn’t had sex in over a year needs to RUN from this guy..red flags all over the place…She can do better…”  I’m not sure how I would feel if I was the guy.

I’m wondering what the Imago couples therapy equivalent might be..  Perhaps I should try creating one?  I like that “CouplesSpark” starts with a neutral statement of the relationship problems, and then gets each partner to give their perspective in a short statement.  In my Imago version I would then put a little section in which the other partner comments on their perspective saying “My partner’s perspective makes sense to me because….”  

Maybe the role of the commentators would be to try to understand each person even more, and could themselves also help each partner understand the other’s experience better. 

Because it’s not really just the talking that matters.  It’s how you talk about your relationship that really matters.  On balance I like CouplesSpark because as people comment, it will bring out the different perspectives.  The only thing I don’t like is that most people don’t comment, they simply vote.   So in the end of the day when 5 people vote for my perspective and 2 for my partner’s, I guess that will make me a little less likely to take my partner seriously.

Here’s a thought I will leave you with.  The computer scientists talk about the great singularity, when machines outstrip human intelligence, and even learn how to improve themselves.  Does that mean they could become the ultimate online marriage counseling?