When I first had marital problems, I hated the idea of seeing a marriage counselor.  Even when my divorce lawyer gave me a card for marriage counseling services I threw it away as soon as possible. 

So what was it I had against marriage counselors?

In my mind I imagined sitting with my hostile wife in the presence of a kindly but firm woman, who would listen carefully to every relationship problem my wife recited.  And then she would turn to me and say “Tim – you have been a very bad boy!”  And my partner would smirk and say “There, see, I told you so!”

Of course the other part of the fantasy is of writing endless large checks, and seeing nothing really change.

Isn’t it odd how few of us turn to professional marriage counseling when things get tough at home?  Why are we so afraid of relationship advice?   Or maybe we simply don’t trust couples counselors to really know what they are doing.

In a classic experiment, the effectiveness of housewives as therapists was compared with fully trained professional counselors.  The housewives did better – simply because they created stronger empathy with the clients, and it turns out that the relationship between the therapist and the client is one of the most important elements in healing.  Recent research shows that if you want to be effective as a therapist, simply ask for feedback from your client.  There’s something powerful in the feedback process that seems to be more important than many of other factors – therapists who respond to that feedback and are guided by it seem to be more effective.

Reading this, you might get the impression that the people who are offering you relationship advice may still be searching for the best way to solve your relationship problems.  When I am at psychotherapy conferences I often ask therapists who pass by if they work with couples, and I quite often get the reply “Well, if I have to, but I don’t like to because I so rarely make a difference.”

One sign that a marriage counselor is good is that they have done some formal post-graduate training, and there are a few well-established leading approaches like - Gottman, EFT and of course Imago.   We’re all friends by the way, it’s a small field.   Our founders even talk at each other’s professional conferences, and get together to discuss how to solve marital problems quickly and effectively. 

So what do they agree on?  Well one common feature is that arguments are part of the natural landscape of marriage.  All long-term committed relationships have them, and that it’s OK.  Just because you argue, it doesn’t mean you are with the wrong partner.  Neither does it mean that one of you is right and one of you is wrong.  Imago founder Harville Hendrix says “Conflict is growth trying to happen”, and so in Imago we place a big emphasis on teaching effective communication skills so that the relationship issues can be explored without blame, shame or criticism.

Good marriage counseling can take the twisted mess of relationship and untangle it, to make a story about your relationship that makes sense.  And – it makes sense to both of you!   I once had a therapist who told me that part of the therapeutic process was that I wouldn’t understand what was going on.  That’s not how we see things in Imago.  The more you can both understand, the more you are empowered to support each other.  For us the work doesn’t just take place when you are handing checks over to your marriage counselor.  In Imago, we want you to go away after a few sessions with skills that will last you for ever, so that you can continue to strengthen and deepen your love.

There’s another feature to good couples therapy that we feel is important in Imago.  We recommend combining counseling sessions with attending a marriage counseling retreat.  At an Imago couples workshop  you can quickly understand your relationship story, and learn effective communication skills, all in the space of a weekend.  That means when you return to your marriage counselor you can get so much more value from your time with them.