Tara Parker-Pope writing in the New York Times today notes that the very nature of marriage is shifting.  That’s also a central theme from Dr. Harville Hendrix, Imago co-founder, who believes that the statistics of marriage breakdown simply indicate a shift to a new model of marriage, and a new role for marriage in society.

Ms Parker-Pope’s article focuses on women over 40 with college degrees, a group that was dismissed by a 1980′s Newsweek article as less likely to get married than be killed by a terrorist attack.  But things are changing, and you can read the article for those details.  I’m interested in the reasons given by one of the researchers, Dr Betsey Stevenson at the University of Pennsylvania who says that the shifts in marriage are occurring at a time when couples are less likely to marry for financial security or economic benefits and more likely to choose partners based on the “companion benefits” of marriage. Stevenson calls it the rise of the “hedonic marriage.”

Now if you are getting married in order to have a more pleasurable life, it makes sense that when the marriage becomes unpleasant, you look for the way out.  That’s the shift that Dr. Hendrix believes has driven up the divorce rate in recent decades. 

Dr Stevenson says “That’s where marriage is headed — couples who are together because they enjoy life more when they’re together.”  But the catch is this – do couples actually know how to enjoy life more when they are together?  Or lacking the economic and cultural pressures of the past, is the pleasure short-lived, as statistics suggest.  After all many  college educated women marrying over 40 are probably on the second time around (although the article focused on first-time marriages.)

The shifts that Ms Parker-Pope writes about call for new ways to be in a marriage, and a whole new set of skills, and perhaps too a deeper purpose that goes beyond simply companionship.  Dr Hendrix and his partner Helen LaKelly Hunt have mapped out a new model of marriage that is about each partner connecting deeply to each other, in ways that help each other grow to completeness.  To achieve that degree of connection, Imago provides a whole new set of skills and insights.

The Pew survey also shows some dwindling in the popularity of marriage, particularly amongst the African-American population, and underneath that lies a story of millions of children without a stable home.   Hence the urgent need for us all to recognize that as society changes, the skills we need change, and that relationship education is far too often ignored.