Japanese innovation leads the world yet again, this time in the field of relationships.  Ending them, that is.

Reuter’s reports on ceremonies to end a marriage, held with family and friends around, and even a ceremonial gavel to smash the ring.  You aren’t allowed to do that while it’s still on your ex-partner’s finger though.  

The purpose of the ceremony is to help create a new beginning.  “By putting an end to our marriage, we wanted to give ourselves fresh starts and give our lives a sense of renewal,” Mr. Fujii, a 33-year-old businessman, told Reuters Television.

That made sense.  Now the question in my mind is whether you give yourselves a fresh start and a sense of renewal without having to buy a new ring.  (Or even find a new person to put it on.)

How often do you find yourself thinking “Wow, I wish I could clear out all this messy stuff, and just start again.”  I’ve just come back from 6 days deep in the Grand Canyon on a raft, with all that pristine freshness and vitality of a (relatively) undisturbed natural environment.  That’s a process that helps me feel fresh, and revitalized.  It’s one of the best feelings in the world.

But what happens when you walk away from your flattened and twisted lump of gold, to enter your new life, with your new love?  How long does it stay fresh?  How soon before the next relationship becomes heavy, constraining and burdensome?  What has really changed?

Harville Hendrix often talks about the statistics for second marriages.  They fail more than first marriages.  What you really want to be is in a third marriage – they are usually very successful.  The first time your marriage fails, people tend to blame their partner, but by the second time they begin to learn that it might be something to do with them.  Most people have learned to take a good look at their part in a relationship by the third time around.

So when you have your hammer poised above the ring ready to strike, remember there’s two other options, both of them focused on creating your best chance for happiness in future relationships.  Both involve working with your partner to fully understand what went wrong, and to understand the cycle that led from the delight of your first loving moments together, to the pain of your final decision to separate.   Imago can support this discussion, by giving a framework within which you can understand your relationship, and a dialogue structure to talk about it safely.

If you still decide to separate after that, you may find yourself much better able to be successful in future relationships, and to be able to avoid old patterns.  But the process can have unexpected outcomes.  Maybe you will find that it is this process of building understanding which gives your existing relationship a fresh start, and a sense of renewal.