The latest Marriage Advice from France is that infidelity may help your marriage.  In Imago we love to consider all perspectives, so let’s take a moment to look at what France’s leading psychologist  Maryse Vaillant is saying.

The UK Telegraph reviews Ms Vaillant’s new book Men, Love, Fidelity.  She claims that since 39% of french men cheat on their wives, maybe it’s not such a bad thing.   Her view is that  ”[Most] don’t do it because they no longer love them, on the contrary,” she said. “They simply need breathing space. For such men, who are in fact profoundly monogamous, infidelity is almost unavoidable.”   She even writes that for some women this can be “liberating”.

What do you make of that?  My own experience was that I was devastated when my first wife had an affair.  We’d had a great life together, and still the envy of our friends as an example of what a good relationships could look like.  But we had some vulnerabilities.  You notice this was my “first” wife – so you guessed it – the relationship quickly disintegrated under the strain.  So I have to confess I struggle to be open to Ms Vaillant’s perspective. 

It looks a bit like Ms. Vaillant is striving to make a virtue out of the string of high-profile infidelities which have hit the news, and brought down many great people from politicians to sports stars with feline last names.  Maybe she argues this is the relationship help that these great men need.  She argues that ”Pathological monogamists” in many cases simply lack the strength of mind to take a mistress, she claims.  For her, it seems that Faithfulness is no longer a virtue.

Of course there’s a tremendous historical precedent for Ms Vaillant’s views.  There have been many periods of history when it was simply expected for a man to have a wife for the purposes of home and family, and to have mistresses for pleasure.  So maybe Ms Vaillant’s is great marriage advice for another time or another culture.  But is it the best approach for couples therapy right now?

Imago provides a new way to look at a relationship, and therefore creates a whole different context for  marriage advice.  The starting point is a vision of what the marriage, or committed relationship, can mean for both partners.  We know from experience it can be a source of incredible joy, pleasure and growth.  I’m happy to say that’s also what my second marriage feels like every day. 

But all the pleasure and joy that my relationship brings me is through the depth of connection that I have built with my wife.  Imago has helped us discuss safely deep issues, the kind of issues which made my first marriage vulnerable to infidelity.  We’ve learned what each other really needs from the other, and how to stretch to provide that.   And as a result we’re deeply in love, after 11 years. 

I’m thinking that if you are reading this, you might know just what I mean.  So you would recognise that when you are in the place of a really rewarding relationship, the idea of an affair just doesn’t really come up.  Or you might be someone who isn’t as ridiculously in love with your partner as I am.   Maybe an affair would make you happier and therefore a better partner too?  Or is there a better alternative?  After all, how many of your friends do you know who have actually successfully combined a great relationship at home with infidelity?

The Imago marriage advice alternative is have an affair with your partner.  Fall in love all over again.  That might sound pretty challenging if your evenings are full of bickering and tension, or worse, sullen isolation.  But isn’t this the partner you fell in love with once?   Its such a common story for all of us, the beautiful love that fades into a seemingly endless power struggle.  Imago is based on understanding that struggle, getting into the issues, and coming out of the other side into a true strong love. 

Harville Hendrix often says “Marry 3 times – just do it with the same person”.  (He’s referring to the fact that third marriages are often particularly strong and long-lasting).  Maybe there’s a  French version of that relationship advice, in which you continue to discover your partner in fresh and new and loving ways, an affair with your spouse or long-term committed partner.