With so many relationship problems in the world, we could do without a new one.  But according to Leslie Kaufman writing in the New York Times saving the planet might mean ditching your relationship. 

The article quotes Robert Brulle, a professor at Drexel University who has seen couples divorce over differences in the way they want to respect the environment.   Prius or high performance sports car?  That can be a tough argument for a couple.  How long to run the hot shower, or whether to spend extra money on more environmentally friendly water systems can simply become long-term relationship issues. 

There may even by trust issues in relationships, which surface when one partner finds the recyling rules they treasure, simply trashed  by the other. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist the pun)

Leslie Kaufman quotes Linda Buzzell, a family and marriage therapist who talks about emerging value gaps.  One partner may become environmentally enlightened while the other wolfs down steaks which took several times their weight in crude-oil to rear.    Her relationship advice is to take the road to green heaven slowly, so you don’t leave your partner too far behind.

These relationship problems get me really interested, because Imago Relationship Therapy is so much about valuing the difference in perspective between partners.  But what do you do when the difference is about something so absolute?  Is moving slowly going to solve your problems?  What if your partner never does join the green path?  They might instead agree with my in-laws, both PhD scientists who declare that the science behind global warming is a complete fabrication.  Do you have just resort to sabotaging your partner’s SUV so they have to drive the Prius, ha ha! 

The Imago approach to relationship issues is for each partner to take time to fully understand and appreciate where the other partner is coming from.   That’s when interesting perspectives might emerge. For example the New York Times article mentions that many people feel that the small sacrifices they make to support a better environment just don’t make any difference to the big picture.  So maybe under the resistance to green are feelings of helplessness, that may be good to share and understand.

The relationship problems that we experience on the surface, about who recycles and who doesn’t, are just indicators of the deep fears many of us feel when we hear of poisoned oceans and noxious air.  The Imago Dialogue is a process which can help couples find connection in those deep rooted fears, even if we respond to them differently on the surface.   If relationship problems caused by green issues are strong enough to drive a couple apart, then the underlying feelings must also be very strongly held and deep.  

Imago Dialogue can help us learn what lies in our partner’s heart, by listening without judgement, and then asking sincerely to hear more until we have heard all they have to say, and understood what caring for the environment, or not, really means for them.  Relationship issues like this can become opportunities for deep connection, by taking the strongest felt differences, and discovering more about the person we live with through exploring them.