Not Your Relationship of the Weak

Nan & Jeff in their East Village 'hood where they connect with food, fun and a beautiful park.

Nanci and I met at Date Bait, an event held at the 92nd St "Y" in New York City nearly seven years ago. One by one, each 'dater' stood up to introduce themselves. Nan said "I want to meet someone who knows how to have a relationship." This statement, along with "I'm a massage therapist..." stood out among the usual "I like going to the movies" and "romantic walks in Central Park." I thought to myself, "I know how to have a relationship, too. I've been in couple's therapy."

Nan and I decided to contribute our thoughts on Imago in our relationship with separate paragraphs.

Nanci: Sometimes Jeff makes me so angry that I will stop engaging and immediately walk away. I experience myself seething with resentment and then after a minute, I think "he loves me; he's committed to me, and I understand his childhood trauma." I get why he's responding and acting like he does. Fighting is just not worth the loss of peace between us. A calm then washes over me and I go into the room where Jeff is and say "let's not fight." In cases like this, I find the Imago philosophy behind the therapy at work, even when I'm not. I mean I can witness a defensive healing without even doing the Imago exercises. I refer to this as a byproduct of our Imago therapy work. Of course I don't rely on the byproduct, but when it happens, I am amazed, comforted and even amused. Jeff and I value our Imago therapy work. When I ask for an appointment to speak with him, although he may still be screaming, within a minute we are agreeing on a time to talk. I value our Imago understanding, experience and willingness to console our love for one another in times of conflict. The slowing-down process and tangible interaction with our exercise work bridges the gap between heart and mind. I am fortunate to have a lasting love that grows stronger through the bonding that our Imago therapy provides.

Jeff: Sometimes Nan makes me so angry that I cannot stop engaging and persist in antagonizing her until I get a response...or any attention, even if it's negative. My childhood trauma taught me that negative attention is better than no attention. This cycle clouds my judgment so much that I fail to immediately see how to get what I really need: I want Nan to hear me and to validate me. This is my biggest childhood wound, and often it goes without salve because I don't slow down enough to really connect. If I remember to follow the steps of Sending, Mirroring, Validating and Empathizing, Nan always responds. I'm sure this also has a lot to do with nursing her major wound of not being heard.

Using techniques we learned in our Imago workshop lets us take a step back, slow down, and focus on what we really want from each other. More often than not, it's a simple as "learning to listen."

This is the crux of Imago in our relationship. I am so grateful Nan has studied Harville Hendrix's wisdom for more than 15 years, and knows truly how to have a relationship. And I am even more grateful to be having it with her!