Separate and Together

"Once we accept that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, we can live wonderfully side by side. As long as we succeed in loving the distance between one another, each of us can see the other as whole against the sky."
-Rainer Maria Rilke

In relationship, we are in a continual dance of coming together and coming back to ourselves. The more conscious and fluid we can be with this oscillation, the more we nurture our own wholeness and that of our relationship. Neither tendency is inherently healthy or unhealthy. We naturally need both. Some are more inclined to be joined at the hip, while others need their space. Selves can get lost in relationships especially if they weren't very sturdy or fully formed in the first place.

These tendencies may be a sincere expression of our desires and love, or they may be motivated by fear and discomfort. How conscious are you of maneuvering between yourself and the other? Pay attention to what is motivating your choice to move toward or away from your partner. Is it motivated by love, fear, wisdom or obligation?

Sometimes being with our partner becomes a buffer from sitting with our own difficult emotions that our partners may bring up in us. When your partner triggers you, can you sit with your emotions and check in with yourself about what is going on? Do you have the self nurturing skills to bring yourself back to center? It's not something we are taught to do! Instead we run toward the quick fix ... eating, shopping, talking, drinking. Meditation, breathwork, yoga, walking, art or creative endeavors, writing and journaling, or listening to music are effective tools for recentering. What works for you?

One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and our partner is the ability and willingness to be with ourselves. The more we center ourselves, the more intimately we can relate to others, and the more safe our partners experience their connection with us. As we increasingly connect with an "other" safely, we become more whole. Consider making time to hold yourself securely. Put it in your schedule, if need be! When we don't take this time, we may not be aware of our needs. Then we are more prone to get upset with our partner. Knowing ourselves is grounding and enables us to show up with presence and love. It helps us connect to our own truth. Real intimacy springs from self and partner-knowledge.

This is the essence of being differentiated: the ability to share oneself deeply with another, while maintaining a strong sense of self. When we can be with ourselves, it gives our partner more room to be different from us. We are less prone to be upset and love expands. When intimacy is healthy, we are able to move together and apart in the flow of life and love.