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Remember that adultery is a serious relationship violation that causes mistrust, anger, fear, and deep sadness.
These feelings of betrayal will take time to heal. However, there are specific things you can do to assist your partner to recover, build trust, and forgive you.
This will take couples and individual therapy, time, patience, developing new skills, understanding, and empathy. It is essential that you both understand the underlying causes of the affair, and each take responsibility for all unmet needs in the relationship.
Adultery can make the relationship stronger because it is a wake up call—a dysfunctional attempt to stabilize the relationship.
Now that my partner knows I’ve had an affair, what should I do?
Seek treatment through immediate and intense help with a therapist. Most relationships not only can survive, but can get stronger after an affair. Immediately give up the adulterous relationship with the assistance of a therapist. Learning Imago dialogue can increase your chances of staying together and even make your relationship sizzle with passion. After you have begun therapy enroll in an Imago workshop to reinforce skills needed to develop emotional intimacy.
Will my partner ever get over it?
Yes, if you show motivation, empathy, remorse, and patience. Do not defend your lover under any circumstances. The less you tell, the more the betrayed will dwell. However, don’t reveal gory details of the affair! Consult a therapist for help. Too much information can cause anguish, and the details of the affair will stay with your betrayed partner forever. There are questions the betrayed will have that you should answer. The questions you are obligated to answer are:
1. Who is the lover?
2. How long has this been going on?
3. Who else knows?
4. Do you love him or her?
5. Are you willing to give up the affair?
6. Do you love me?
7. Are you going to leave me?
8. Did the affair happen in our shared dwelling?
What do I have to do for my partner to love me again?
It is possible to have an affair and fall back in love with your partner. It is also possible for your partner to fall back in love with you. You must see adultery as a stress relieving and self- medicating high to avoid the real issues between you and your partner. Here is an exercise: Think of your lover negatively three times a day and think positively of your partner three times a day. Using the Imago dialogue with a therapist will help you practice empathy and validation, which are essential skills to save this relationship. If your lover contacts you, tell the betrayed immediately so trust can be rebuilt. Listen to her or his anger with help from the Imago therapist without losing your patience. Do not match their anger. An Imago therapist can guide your partner to express their feelings in a way which won't just trigger your reactions. Using the Imago dialogue you will be able to listen to them deeply instead, and understand their experience, and how to connect with them through that.
Will my partner ever trust me again?
Once trust has been violated in an emotionally intimate relationship, it takes time to heal. Your partner will test you in various ways to determine your faithfulness as they try to reestablish trust. Patience on your part is key in order to give the betrayed space to heal and learn to trust you again. The only way your partner can trust you again is if you give up the affair and authentically show remorse for your betrayal. Imago dialogue helps develop emotional intimacy by using empathetic validating as a way to listen to your partner’s feelings of anger, sadness, and fear. Your partner needs to know that you understand the effects of your betrayal.
What do I have to do for my to partner forgive me?
First you must understand why you had an affair. With the help of an Imago therapist, you will be able to identify the underlying cause of your behavior. Once you have identified your unmet needs in the relationship or in your childhood, you can express them to your partner using Imago dialogue in the presence of your therapist. Imago dialogue is a form of communication that uses mirroring, understanding, validating and reinforcing each other’s feelings, which in turn develops emotional intimacy and empathy for each other. These dialogues are used without blaming, shaming, or projecting. Make a commitment to put your relationship first in all ways.
Should we just end our marriage?
Getting rid of a person doesn’t get rid of a problem. It is just a matter of time when you will be engaged in a power struggle with your lover, if you stay with him or her. In other words, ending your relationship with your partner won’t get rid of your problems.
It may seem that hope is lost for restoring your relationship. It is common for each party to blame the other for the affair. Many adulterers leave the relationship out of guilt not because they have fallen out of love. The way out of this power struggle of blame is to learn the Imago dialogue, which will help you fall back in love with each other. An affair can make your relationship stronger because it is a wake up call to learn communication skills so that you and your partner can have your needs met. After an affair most relationships not only survive, they get stronger with immediate and intense help.
Will I be forever punished for cheating?
I f you use the Imago exercise for penance, you will not be punished forever.
Penance exercise: Go above and beyond normal behaviors like working less, give thoughtful gifts, and/or picking up more chores around the house.
This will help change the climate of the relationship by giving more attention and love to the betrayed and listening to their “bitter bank.” Let the betrayed know how sorry you are that you have hurt them. Take responsibility for the affair. Having an affair puts a relationship at risk for survival. Realizing the enormity of your actions will help you understand the time and effort that is needed to repair this relationship.
Will I always have to tell my partner where I am going, with whom, and when I will be home?
Yes, you will probably have to do this for the rest of your life, as the betrayed will forever worry that you will have another affair.
It is better that you take control by telling him or her the details of your day rather than leave your whereabouts up to their imagination or nagging. This process of mistrust and “checking up on you” will ease up with time, but remember to Predict, Prevent, and Prepare. Call before you are late coming home from work. Deviation from your daily routine will trigger fear in the betrayed partner. Learn Imago Validation: walk in the shoes of the betrayed will help you understand and be thoughtful of his or her needs. One of the most important things is for you the adultery to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Remember, as we said before, most adulterer’s leave out of guilt, not from falling out of love.
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