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How do I get help? How can I help myself?
Seek therapy immediately. Don’t try to solve this seemingly insurmountable problem alone.
After your partner has had an affair, it is too excruciating and complicated to try to communicate with each other without the help of a qualified couples counselor. You and your partner will be emotionally charged, and without professional help, further damage is imminent. Adultery is a cry for help, and a dysfunctional attempt to stabilize a relationship.
The timing of getting help can make the difference between saving or ending the relationship under the emotional burden of grief. It is essential to have both individual and couples therapy sessions with a therapist. Assistance through therapy will allow grievances to be aired without blame and shame, and empathy for each other to be created.
Once the relationship becomes stable it is essential to enroll in an Imago workshop to reinforce the Imago dialogue techniques. These steps create the building blocks for emotional intimacy.
How much do I need to know and how much should I ask?
The less the adulterer tells, minus the gory details, the more the betrayed dwells. Here are the acceptable questions:
1. Who is the lover?
2. How long has this been going on?
3. Who else knows?
4. Do you love him or her?
5. Are you willing to give up the affair?
6. Do you love me?
7. Are you going to leave me?
8. Did the affair happen in our shared dwelling?
Is it normal for me to be upset, obsess over it, and be angry?
Yes, adultery causes post- traumatic stress. It is a jolt to the relationship. You need to get help immediately.
Learning the Imago dialogue with a therapist is key in keeping the relationship from rupturing. Here is an exercise you can try called the No Contact Exercise: Your partner should voluntarily tell you daily that he or she has not had any contact with the lover by phone, text, email or in person. If he or she has had contact he must tell you when and the nature of the contact.
It is not unusual for your partner to resist giving up the affair until changes in the relationship happen. Your partner may think they are getting unmeet needs satisfied from the affair. Don’t be discouraged if they are not ready to give up the affair in the beginning. As therapy ensues, and you and your partner learn about each other’s unmet needs, the affair will lose its draw.
Can we get over this?
Most marriages CAN be saved. In most cases you can get over it if:
1. Your partner stops the affair and is willing to make changes.
2. Your partner shows remorse for the affair.
3. You see the equal signs of the contribution of both parties for the affair (it doesn’t mean that you are at fault). But you must be willing to understand the underlying reasons for the affair.
How can our relationship survive this affair, and get stronger?
An affair can make your relationship stronger because an affair is a wake up call, a cry for help, and a dysfunctional attempt to stabilize the relationship.
The way out of this dilemma or power struggle is through learning about, understanding, and practicing Imago skills and dialogue. This might include a dialogue to support your partner so that they are able to really hear you when you express your feelings of hurt. A therapist's help is invaluable for this emotionally charged work.
How, when, what and should I tell the children about the infidelity?
Children have emotional antennae no matter how young they are, so they will sense something is wrong. Consult an Imago therapist before embarking on a conversation with your children. We use the Imago dialogue with children in the form of family play therapy. Play is to children what conversation is to adults Depending on the dynamics, ages of the children, and the adult dynamics, an Imago therapist may include children in the therapeutic process.
What can I do for it to not happen again?
“Once a cheater always a cheater,” is a myth.
In most cases it doesn’t happen again if the relationship issues are resolved, the couples seek therapy, learn Imago dialogue techniques and attend Imago workshops for follow up, and both parties are motivated to heal, change, and forgive.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
How do I talk to my partner about the affair?
You need to learn Imago dialogue through a qualified therapist. Your therapist will guide you into safe conversations where you will learn the underlying cause of the affair, the responsibilities you both have for the affair, and steps toward healing.
If you try this without Imago therapy there is a high risk of losing the relationship.
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