A Temptress in the Computer: The Cautionary Tale of a Facebook Affair

By Paula Pile MA, LMFT, LPA

Jack and Jill had been married for seven years when Jack stunned Jill by announcing one day that he wanted a divorce. Initially, Jill was utterly shocked and devastated. When she was able to think a bit more clearly, she admitted that she had noticed Jack had become somewhat distant over the past few months, and that he was spending a lot of time on the computer. What she didn't know was that her husband was having an affair - and most of the foreplay happened right in their shared marital home. Jack, you see, had reconnected with an old girlfriend on Facebook.

Unfortunately, new technology that brings new ways for humans to connect also brings new complications and new ways for things to go wrong. The story of Jack and Jill is becoming all too common, and therapist's offices are filling with similar cases. How did this particular disaster happen? How could it have been prevented? The explanation is easy, and the prevention surprisingly simple.

When Jack originally signed up for a Facebook account he had no intention of having an affair. Once he became a Facebook member, he was delighted to find himself being approached by a whole cast of characters he thought he'd left behind in the past. Imagine the thrill of recognition when he received a “Friend Request” from Lucy; his first love in High School. He had not heard from her in years, and had always wondered, in the back of his mind, how her life had turned out. Now, here she was, and clearly willing to tell him the whole story. He and Lucy began to talk on Facebook with the enthusiasm and frankness of two old friends reconnecting after a long time. Pretty soon, Lucy revealed that, sadly, she was recently divorced. As they continued talking over the next several weeks, he was flooded with happy memories of their early courtship. He found himself looking forward to the time of day when they could exchange messages online. Then they began to instant message each other's cell phones. She made him laugh, and seemed so involved in the day-to-day concerns of his life. After a fairly short period of time, Jack began to realize that Lucy had reawakened the feelings that excited him so much all those years ago.

Jack felt guilty, but he also felt he deserved a little innocent happiness. Life with his wife Jill seemed to have become very dull. Jill was no fun anymore, Jack thought angrily. She was always busy with the children, and when they did actually manage to talk, it seemed to consist of her complaining about bills or something one of the kids had done. He could not remember the last time that they had been out for dinner together, let alone had sex. Breast-feeding had killed Jill's sex drive, and the whole rigmarole of leaving milk for the infant when they went out for an evening meant their date nights were becoming more and more rare. When he thought about how wide was the difference between what he had dreamed a marriage might be, and what was the reality, Jack felt resentful. He began to imagine what it would be like if he had stuck with Lucy. In fact, Jack convinced himself he was beginning to fall back in love with Lucy, even though he had not seen her in more than fifteen years.

It wasn't so difficult to remedy that situation, and, pretty much as soon as he could, Jack arranged to meet up with Lucy during a trip he needed to take out of town to attend a trade show. Their meeting was wildly romantic, and they spent the weekend having passionate, abandoned sex; interspersed with tender conversations about the old days. As Jack drove back home, his head was a whirl, and he was full of powerful feelings of love that he had almost forgotten were possible.

But what Jack did not realize was that both he and Lucy had merely presented their positive sides to each other. They had engaged in complimentary romantic fantasies that were informed entirely by a rosy, youthful past instead of the realities of adult relationships. Jack and Lucy were not paying bills together, or dealing with sick children. What they had instead was the illusion and dream of what could have been, fuelled by idealized memories of their pasts. What's really ironic is that if Jack had put even half the energy and time he was spending reconnecting with Lucy into reconnecting with his wife instead, he and Jill could have been entering a whole new powerfully satisfying phase of their marriage, instead of dealing with an affair, and possibly a divorce.

 
What could Jack have done when he signed up on Facebook to have prevented this disaster? He and Jill could have discussed from the outset what it was that each of them hoped they might gain from becoming active on Facebook. Jack could either have signed up jointly with Jill or they could have agreed as a couple to give each other their Facebook passwords. They also could have made an agreement that they would not become friends with former love interests. Jack could have also flagged the fact that he was becoming attracted to Lucy and could have suggested making an appointment with a couple's therapist or attending a Getting the Love You Want Workshop in order to help him reconnect with the long-term loving relationship he has with Jill.

Jill, on the other hand, could have approached Jack and shared with him her feelings of being increasingly disconnected from him. She could also could have shared with him how much she missed him when he spent hours on the computer, and instead suggested activities for them to do together that she knew would appeal to him. Jill could have also suggested to Jack that they attend couples therapy, or an Imago Getting the Love You Want Workshop as a way to learn the skills needed to reconnect.

Even though the marriage has been significantly harmed by Jack's Facebook affair, with hard work, and no further contact with Lucy, Jack and Jill can overcome the trauma of infidelity. What we learn in Imago couples therapy is that conflict is growth trying to happen. Although this is a challenge, these two people have the means available to move beyond their painful conflict, and build a stronger connection, ending up more deeply in love with each other than ever before.

Paula Pile has been a North Carolina licensed marriage and family therapist with over 28 years of experience. She has worked extensively with couples and individuals who are in intimate relationships. She is a graduate of Ball State University in Munice, Indiana and a Certified Imago Therapist.

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