On September 6, 2009 my son said, “I do,” and with those words I joined the ranks of Mothers-in-Law.  As a therapist I understand the importance of roles and the expectations that are associated with them.   How do I mother-in-law?  The culture doesn’t even provide an adequate verb that hints at the role’s expectations.   We say mothering and that brings up a warm, fuzzy, cuddly image.   Mother-in-lawing?  What does that mean?  How do I do that?  What is my role model?

When I check in with the space inside myself marked “mother-in-law” that file has a yellowed page or two but otherwise is empty. My mother-in-law died in a car accident when my husband and I were still newlyweds.  My father-in-law died the following year.  Therefore I have no personal template of a mother-in-law interacting with a daughter-in-law to guide me in embracing my new role.  

So I Google... 

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From Caretaking to Self-Care

by Susan Frieder, Ph.D.

A woman’s need to please and serve as caretaker can have a devastating effect on her mental, physical and spiritual health.  Many of my clients come into the office complaining of being overwhelmed, exhausted and resentful.  They have somatic ailments like neck pain, high blood pressure, headaches and stomachaches. 

Often I find out that they have taken on the role of caretaker in their relationships, repeating the role they learned in their family of origin.  Many of my clients are the eldest or only girl in their childhood family.  Often they come from divorced families or from parents who struggled with alcoholism or mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder.

When these women were girls they had to take on the responsibility of being a physical or emotional caretaker while the adults were preoccupied with their own issues.  They had to take care of younger siblings; cooking and cleaning while their friends were out playing. Some of the girls became emotional surrogate spouses for their lonely or distressed parents.  One of my clients had to learn how to balance a checkbook at age 11 because her mother was a drug addict and incapable of handling the responsibility.

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