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How is Couplehood a Spiritual Path?
By Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.
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To be connected is in our essence.
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He who desires to see the living God face-to-face should not seek him in the empty firmament of his mind, but in human love.
~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
In our newest program Couplehood as a Spiritual Path we invite couples to embrace their relationship as a spiritual journey. For some who have recently fallen in love, this may resonate with their experience: romantic love can trigger a spiritual awakening, a sense of belonging and completion. For others who may be experiencing deep conflict, a “spiritual relationship” may seem like an oxymoron: relationships can elicit a sense of despair and loneliness. But falling in love and the inevitable conflict that follows are opportunities to grow into who we are meant to be.
We believe that learning to give and receive love is the path to experiencing God.
Relationship is a universal impulse. Everything is shaped in pairs and depends on its context to exist. In religion, this premise is clear from the creation of Adam and Eve to the primary forces of yin-yang to the harmonizing energies of Shiva-Shakti. It also shows up in the creation myths, quantum physics, and the symmetry of the body. In fact, nothing exists in isolation. We are a constellation of relationships—we are relationship. Relationship naturally contains creative tension which can become destructive conflict or give birth to healing, growth and evolution. There is no greater place to experience this tension than in committed love relationships. Couplehood is the path. And Dialogue, the cornerstone of the Imago process, is the practice.
On paper, the Imago Dialogue is a communication skill, a 3-step process (mirroring, validating, and empathizing) that helps couples take turns listening and speaking. In practice, Dialogue helps both partners develop the attributes necessary to achieve spiritual connection.
(1) As Listeners, we discover the “other.” Most “dialogues” are really monologues, where two people are talking (or shouting!) and neither is listening. Mirroring begins to bring two people into connection. As we take turns listening to each other, it helps us unravel the mystery of our partner--to discover our partner’s world. For most, this requires serious practice. When we truly listen to our partner, we become curious about our partner’s inner world, witnessing the other’s distinctive thoughts, feelings, memories, and hopes and valuing them as equal to our own. This experience of otherness without judgment is one of the highest spiritual experiences we can achieve.
(2) As Speakers, we experience safety and no longer have to hide. When we were children our parents, teachers, and relatives often told us, “You don’t feel that way!” “Don’t be that way!” These messages devalued our sense of well-being and created walls of protection. As adults, Dialogue invites us to begin “unhiding” parts of ourselves. It becomes a safe structure allowing speakers to become vulnerable and authentic in the loving, nonjudgmental embrace of our partner.
(3) Senders and Receivers create the space “between.” The dark space between planets is dynamic, substantial, and full of energy. This is also true of relationships. The space between individuals is full of energy. As we approach our partner in Dialogue, we intentionally create a positive space between us, and the relationship becomes larger than the two individuals within it. The nourishing space between two people influences both of them and in turn transforms the relationship. When two people understand, accept, and love each other’s inner world, a new shared entity is born called “we.” As we move from “two partners struggling to position themselves at the center” to the “relationship as center,” we open ourselves to the ability to truly love and experience the Divine.
To be connected is our essence. By taking responsibility for how we live and love, we move from striving toward connection to being connected. Marriage and committed partnership offers this opportunity through the practice of Dialogue. Challenging? Yes. But it is also a joyous process. Let us embrace it as our sacred duty.
Adapted from Couplehood as a Spiritual Path
Copyright Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. & Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.
http://couplehoodasaspiritualpath.com/
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