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The Purpose of Marriage Part III: The Power Stage
By David Roche
Some of you may be too young to know of Don McLean’s classic song, “American Pie”. Most of you will remember this great tune and the chorus “Bye, Bye Miss American Pie….” but do you remember the first verse?
A long, long time ago
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And maybe they'd be happy for a while.
But February made me shiver
with every paper I'd deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep
I couldn't take one more step
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.
I remember the day the music died. It was when my first Romantic Stage ended and I had no idea what was going on.
So many marriages could be saved and so many couples could find real love in their lives and return to the beautiful state of relaxed joyfulness that was lost, if only they had the knowledge and understanding to help them through the unknown waters of relationships. If only they understood why we really choose our partners and the real purpose of marriage they wouldn’t get trapped where most couples do: in the Power Stage.
In The Purpose of Marriage II I mentioned that the Romantic Stage is supposed to end. I’m sure that was bad news to many. However, given that the real purpose of marriage is the healing of childhood wounds and becoming whole, the Romantic Stage has to end so we can get to work and fulfill this purpose.
Some time after several months in the Romantic Stage (usually around 9-12 months), commitment shows up and we decide this is the real thing. Our unconscious concludes that its initial job is done. We have been locked together with the help of all these wonderful hormones but these hormones are wearing off and we are starting to see our partner in a different light.
Actually, there are three distinct sources of conflict that characterize the beginning of the Power Stage (Harville Hendrix likes to call this stage the “Power Struggle” because that’s what it is for too many of us). First, the wounding machine that we call our partner starts reinjuring some very sensitive childhood wounds, not meeting our needs just like our parents. Second, those wonderful traits our partner exhibits start getting on our nerves. What do you expect? These are the same traits that we find reprehensible in ourselves. Third, we stop denying the negative traits of our partner and actually see that we married a person with the negative characteristics of both our parents combined. Compounding this is the fact that all of this happens on both sides of the relationship.
We know that something has gone terribly wrong. Our partner has changed from that loving, wonderful human being that we knew just months ago. Have we committed to the wrong person? Is this what a relationship is supposed to be like? Is this all there is?
On a positive note, I’ve experienced two Power Stages in my life. I entered the first totally ignorant about marriage, got stuck for several years, and the marriage ended in divorce. I entered the second with a lot more knowledge about myself, my needs, and about the real purpose of marriage. I’m actually still in the Power Stage as you read this and it’s a wonderful place to be. With constant dialogue, my beautiful wife Diane and I are healing each other slowly but surely and we are growing tremendously as human beings. We are becoming whole and finding real love.
The Power Stage: Ways to Get Through It
Marriages fail because couples get stuck in the Power Stage and either divorce, which is one type of exit, or turn their energy to other interests (job, children, hobbies, etc.) which is another type of exit. Some couples just settle for things the way they are. All of this could be avoided if we just were more knowledgeable about marriage and its real purpose.
All relationships hit a wall sooner or later. I encourage you to increase your knowledge so that you can anticipate the walls and get past them. You can’t eliminate the walls or the work that you need to do but knowledge will help you know what to do when you get there. I suggest some reading from the bibliography that follows this article. I highly recommend the first book, Getting The Love You Want, A Guide for Couples.
I also encourage you to take the time to learn about the unmet childhood needs (and wounds) that you brought into your relationship. Obviously, you can’t go back in time but there’s another option. Inevitably, one of you will do or say something to the other that will really hurt (this is natural). Some will sting far more than would seem rational and this is a sign of a childhood wound. The hurt lingers because when the childhood wound is reopened, decades of pain come along with it. The next time this happens, recognize the childhood wound and talk to your partner about what you think you need to heal it.
Another useful technique is to make a list of your needs and share them with your partner. Diane and I did a needs list within the first three months of meeting each other. We refer to them often and update them on occasion. Meeting your partner’s needs is an important step toward achieving one of your unconscious objectives: to become whole.
Finally, never criticize. Our unconscious reaction to our needs not being met is to adopt the destructive techniques that worked as a child. We do the adult equivalent of crying, screaming, and throwing tantrums. We criticize. When that doesn’t work, we treat our partners in the negative ways our parents treated us (of course we deny this because these behaviors are too awful to admit to). When we want warmth and affection from a partner who is acting cold and aloof like our parent(s), we treat them coldly and keep our distance until they get the message (which usually doesn’t happen). It’s just not in us to ask for what we need. Criticism is the unconscious way we express an unmet need. Try asking for what you need; for what has been missing in your life since childhood. It might be hard for your partner to meet that need but the results will be far better than the current approach. Instead of complaining to our partner about what is wrong or what is missing, simply ask for what you need. Instead of “You’re never home on time for dinner”, how about “What I would like is that you’re home on time for dinner more often.” Ask for what you need and never assume your partner knows your needs.
Bibliography/Recommended Reading
Getting The Love You Want
A Guide for Couples
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
The Couples Companion
Meditations and Exercises for Getting the Love You Want
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen Hunt, M.A., M.L.A.
Keeping The Love You Find
A Personal Guide
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
Giving The Love That Heals
A Guide for Parents
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen Hunt, M.A., M.L.A.
Hot Monogamy
Patricia Love, M.D. and Jo Robinson
Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
David Schnarch, Ph.D.
David C. Roche is an Imago Educator and is a member of the Board of Directors of Imago Relationships International. David is currently a marketing consultant and lives with his wife Diane in the Chicago area. He has held many sales, marketing and general management positions in his career in the USA, Canada and Mexico. He is an avid golfer and skier and loves to play the guitar and the drums.
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