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Getting the Sex You Want: Imago Therapy and Sexual Connection
By Tammy Nelson
If you are reading this article, you have had some experience with Imago Relationship Therapy, developed by Harville Hendrix, the author of the best-selling book, Getting the Love You Want. The Imago dialogue has helped many couples around the world to deepen their connection and express their feelings.
Right about now you are probably looking for ways to integrate the Imago communication skills you have learned into your every day life with your partner. Most couples find a real shift in their relationship after attending a Getting the Love You Want workshop, or from seeing a Certified Imago therapist for couples counseling. As many of you may now realize, the work has just begun.
What if you could use your new found skills and the Imago methods to improve the erotic side of your relationship?
You may have used the dialogue process or the behavior change request to work on the companionship side of your relationship. However, there are two parts to romantic partnerships; companionship and eroticism. You can use the Imago dialogue to reconnect sexually and increase the eroticism in your life. Connected eroticism can lead to long term connection and true intimacy.
Couples have a greater likelihood of staying together, and for longer periods of time, when they improve their sexual communication skills.
The dialogue can be used as a new way to explore your sexuality together, in a safe way. It provides you with a structure in which to explore your deepest fantasies and desires. It will give you the safety to talk to each other and experience being seen and heard. You may find a new way to ask for the sex you have always wanted.
Perhaps there are parts of your sex life that you currently enjoy. There might also be some new things you would like to try. Chances are if you have been together for a while, your sex life has changed. In long term relationships, we can settle in to predictable routines. When this happens, the “sweat pants” phase of your relationship begins and the sex can settle into maintenance sex, which can be nice, but maybe not as erotic as you’d like. And sometimes, maintenance sex turns into no sex at all. The erotic side of our relationship goes to sleep.
Exploring Sexual Curiosity with Empathy
The possibility of waking up a partnership and experiencing that erotic charge again sometimes feels impossible. And yet, throughout our life cycle, we continue to have erotic needs and crave intimacy through sex.
The way to increase the erotic connection in a relationship is to begin talking about sex and learning to empathize with our partner. We all have curiosity about things that are sexual, and we explore erotic thoughts and fantasies in our minds all the time, even if we don’t share these thoughts with our partner.
Sexual empathy is when we understand that our partner’s fantasies, just like individual tastes in food, may differ from ours. Empathy creates safety in a relationship and means that we work toward seeing our partner as a fully alive sexual being.
Exercise - Starting to Talk about Sex
One of the ways that you can begin to share desires and fantasies is through this next exercise. Start by sharing appreciations. You will simply mirror your partner’s words. Mirroring is a basic dialogue skill, but may feel awkward and forced. Don’t worry. Let the exercise feel awkward for now.
Step One
Sender:
Tell your partner one thing you appreciate about your relationship.
Receivers:
Mirror back what your partner says. How does it make sense to you that they would appreciate this? Can you validate that for your partner?
Switch.
Step Two
Senders:
Tell your partner one thing you appreciate about your sexual relationship.
Receivers:
Mirror back what you hear. Does it make sense to you that your partner would feel this way? Remember, you don’t have to agree.
Switch.
Step Three
Senders:
Tell your partner one thing you really like in bed and would like more of.
Receivers:
Just mirror. Does it make sense, knowing your partner the way you know them, that this would be something they would like more of? Just validate that feeling. You do not need to agree, make promises, refuse, make excuses, or respond in any way, except by showing sexual empathy through mirroring, validation and empathy.
Switch.
Step Four
Now that you have shared your appreciations for each other, how do you feel? Can you tell your partner what it was like to hear those things?
Sender:
One thing I appreciated about this dialogue….
Receiver:
Mirror back.
Switch.
Try not to judge what you heard or disagree. Just sit with what you heard. And try to soak up the appreciation and erotic energy.
Most of us want passion in our relationship. Passion makes us feel alive. We have to work at that erotic connection, just like we do the other parts of the relationship. To create passion, we have to make a decision to commit to a deeper connection. The way we do this is through intimate, erotic communication with our partner.
Sex is the physical language in which we express intimacy. It shows trust and openness and can express attraction and affection. Throughout the lifespan of a relationship, sex can repair hurt, heal grief, bond us after arguments, provide tenderness, comfort us, and help with self-esteem and self-confidence. Best of all, sex is an expression of love.
For more info on Getting the Sex You Want, by Tammy Nelson, Certified Imago therapist, contact her through www.passionatepartnerships.com or log onto Amazon.com to purchase. Email Tammy directly at tammy@passionatepartnerships.com
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