Spring 2000
A Conversation with Helen LaKelly Hunt
by Sophia J. Wien-Kim, M.A., Drs.

Helen LaKelly Hunt, MA, MLA, activist, donor, co-founder of the Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy, co-author of GIVING THE LOVE THAT HEALS: A GUIDE FOR PARENTS, and, oh yes, spouse of Harville Hendrix, has, over the years, kept a rather low profile in our Imago community. At the same time however, her presence has always been unequivocal.
For about two years I have been curious to know more about Helen-as part of a powerful team, as a woman in her own right, and as the person who was there from the start. During that same time span, Helen and Harville changed their focus from being Ambassadors of Imago to being more inner-directed. They took time for relational enrichment and for "walking the walk." To quote Helen, "We wanted to live Imago in addition to writing about it." Helen also entered the doctoral program at Union Theological Seminary in New York City. Last October, the couple made their "come-back" at the 9th Annual International Conference of the Association for Imago Relationship Therapy in Washington, D.C. Eventually the moment seemed right to have a conversation with Helen.
Our encounter took place, in the presence of her husband, in New York on December 10, 1999. That day, our triadic exchange focused on "beginnings"-- the onset of Helen's personal life, and the outset of her life with Harville and Imago theory and practice. The following is an excerpt of this interview which will contribute to a book in progress called AN ORAL HISTORY OF IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY (working title).

Sophia : When and where were you born?

Helen : I was born in Dallas, Texas in1949.

Sophia : What would you like to say about your upbringing?

Helen : I feel very private about my family background. My father was a "wildcatter," a term used in the oil industry in Texas for individuals who venture into unexplored terrain looking for oil. He had a tremendous sense of adventure. He happened to find a large oil field in an unexplored area, a "wild cat field." The result was that he became a very wealthy man, yet he was a simple farm boy at the same time. My mother came from a rural part of Oklahoma and was of a modest family herself. After they married, my father and my mother always called themselves "just plain folks." We lived in this mansion and there was a great deal of wealth, but there was a lot of home found common sense in my parents. My family was Southern Baptist and my religious background was an important part of my life. I also valued having the opportunity to get a fine education.

Sophia : When was your very first meeting with Harville Hendrix?

Helen : I met Harville in a class (Dallas, Texas). He was teaching Transactional Analysis. It must have been in 1974 and I was getting a Masters in Counseling Psychology. I did not speak to him. I sat in the back row. I thought he was a very good teacher.

Sophia : What did you notice about him?

Helen : I got the impression that he was very much a family man. I remember how skilled he was in teaching. I had been reading about Transactional Analysis and considered it a tremendous contribution to our culture. I did not have any desire to introduce myself to him. I was married at the time. He was married at the time. I just wrote my paper, turned it in, and I never thought I would see him again.

Sophia : How did the two of you get together?

Helen : It was the year 1977. By that time we were both divorced. A friend invited me to a party and Harville was there. I introduced myself and said, "I took a class you taught and enjoyed it very much." He said, "I recognize your name. I kept your paper. I always keep the two most outstanding papers of every class. Your paper was so interesting." I thought he had such good judgment. I thought this man had such good taste. Then I found out a bit more about him. He mentioned at one point that he had studied under Paul Tillich. I had read a book about Tillich that I loved. Not many people know about it. It is written by Rollo May and the title is Paulus (Paulus: Reminiscences of a Friendship, 1973). I asked him if he had read this book. He had not heard of it even though he wrote his dissertation about Tillich and had read every other book about him. Paulus was one of my favorite books. It is about the power of relationships. Then I said, "I think I'll get some more hors d'oeuvres," and I walked away. But I could tell he was interested. Sure enough he called a week or so later and asked if he could borrow the book. I had a feeling that I was going to get a call from him.

Sophia : And you appreciated that, him calling you?

Helen : Yes. A person with whom I could exchange ideas in the arena of psychology, interpersonal relationships, and religion would be someone that I would want to spend time with because those concepts were very compelling for me. I had come from a family that was very knowledgeable about business. My first husband's only interest was in the financial world. But I was extremely interested in other things. I was intrigued by a man who would be curious enough to read Paulus . . .

Sophia : Then what happened?

Helen : The first date was a play and after that we had dinner. We laugh about it now. Things did not go so well. We were in a very different place in our lives at the time. And every conversation was somewhat conflictual. In reviewing this I would say it is amazing that we got through evenings. But Harville was very persistent. He was wonderful. Those first years together were some of the most beautiful years of our relationship. He was reliable and steady. He made clear to me that I could feel whatever I felt and that he was not going away. There was no pressure. He was just there. It was very beautiful (her voice softens and her eyes well up), very beautiful . . . (Long silence) . . .

Sophia : When did you hear the word Imago for the first time?

Helen : Harville introduced the word Imago. He had read it in Jung's work. (Helen turns to Harville.) I remember you saying to me, "Wow, I think I can apply this word to the concepts I am developing." I recall you saying that you would like to use the word in a different way. (Turns back to Sophia.) It would be only Harville, amongst me or anybody, who would have that idea. In addition, the term being Latin was important. The term Imago is almost like a timeless phenomenon, reaching beyond our culture. I would say I heard the term Imago about four or five years after I started hearing about the theory. (To Harville.) Do you want to add to this?

Harville : I had been working with the word "image" for what I was discovering people had in their heads about their partner. Thus what later became the Imago theory was put together before the word Imago originated. Initially I did not know that there was a system. It was just one idea, one insight. Through the early training programs it became clear that, once you started elaborating on that idea, a systemic theory emerged. Somebody said, "We have to give this a name." I was teaching it, the trainees were learning how to apply it, and they wanted to have a tag on it. One night I looked up the word image in the dictionary and found the Latin word Imago. I went back to the training group and proposed using the word. Some liked it but most of them opposed it. It was said that a reason not to use this word was that nobody would know what it meant. I clearly remember saying, "If they ask you what it means, that is a good thing because then you get to tell them more about it." I had discovered that Jung had used the word and that gave me some pause about claiming it. But we use it differently from the way Jung used it and also from the way Freud used it. So we went ahead and claimed it. All this time Helen and I were having these long, late night conversations. I think one of the things that became a source of connection for us were these early discussions about the theory. I would come home with an awareness and start talking with Helen. Then after a while things would crystallize. No sooner we had forgotten which was my idea and which was Helen's. It became a co-creation. I wish we had taped our conversations. Then we could go back, listen, and say, "See, I said this and you said that." The birth of "the Dialogue" happened during an argument. Helen said, "Let's stop and let's have one of us talk and the other listen." I think that's where the mirror began to develop. This must have been in the second year of our relationship. It took years to modify the Dialogue into the three pieces we have now (mirroring, validation, and empathy).

Helen : In my recollection I said, "Why don't you talk for awhile and I'll listen and then I talk for awhile and you listen. Let's take turns." When I met Harville I had just been in training with a therapist in Dallas who taught me how to re-parent. This person had trained with Janov and other primal theorists. I was very interested in primal theory. I used re-parenting with quite a few people in my work. It was a powerful experience to offer yourself to someone and say, "Let's pretend we are the parent and we allow this person to say anything they want to us," as a way to redo bad parenting. I remember that often I was a mirror to Harville. But I was extremely interested in the possibility of healing the unfinished business from childhood. I introduced this idea to Harville and it grew to be a part of the goal of Imago Relationship Therapy.

Harville : I can imagine you introducing that into the conversation. It so fit with what was beginning to emerge. Psychotherapy in those days seemed to be about repressing your feelings, analyzing them away, or getting over it. Most analysts would say, "Grow up" or "Get rid of it." However, it began to occur to me that the only way to get rid of a need is by meeting it. I began to understand the repetition compulsion of the familiar as an attempt to heal childhood trauma. One of the important things that evolved was the concept of "getting childhood needs met by your partner."

Helen : While I introduced the idea, it was Harville who took it further and put it into a process. That is really the brilliance of Harville. I never talked about the above before but I cannot imagine anything more beautiful or redemptive about humanity than the healing of that deep a nature. And it does not necessarily have to be in therapy.

Harville That's right, I was the one who shifted the healing from therapy to the couples themselves.

Helen : I am a populist. I love dismantling patriarchal hierarchy. This is what Harville and I have in common. We believe that you don't need an expert: You are your own expert. You can solve you own problems. (To Harville.) I then began to imagine your theory as being very revolutionary.

Harville : Oh yes, way before I did.

Helen : Harville kept working on the dynamic between the couple and I said, "Do you know how radical this is? Do you know what you're doing to your whole discipline? You disempower the therapist because you make the couple the healers." I was so proud of him because I was not very enamored with what I knew about the psychoanalytic model.

Harville : I was not aware that I was doing that. What I saw was the outcome; couples were getting better. In addition to the intellectual contribution, Helen has been a strategic thinker with respect to putting together the whole apparatus. Not only is she an empowerer in her own work with women and women's identity in culture, but also with respect to Imago. Furthermore, she has been very generous with her financial resources. The result was that things were made possible that could never have been created without these means. The Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy is an example of this. In addition, Helen has been instrumental in adding the spiritual dimension to Imago theory, a part of which resulted in us writing three meditation books (Personal Companion, Couples Companion, and Parenting Companion). This piece of the story has never been told; Helen's strategical, financial as well as intellectual input was pivotal in this co-creation. The birth and subsequent growth of Imago could never have happened without her!

Sophia J. Wien-Kim, M.A. Drs. has been part of the Imago Community since 1991. She is a Certified Imago TherapistO with Advanced Clinician standing and has private practices in New York City and Port Washington, Long Island. Sophia can be reached by Tel. (212) 721-6660, ext. 2, Fax (516) 767-4247 and Email: imagopwny@earthlink.net.