EXPLAINING IMAGO

By Alice Malloy, M.S.W., C.S.W

The word Imago means image. In Imago theory, it refers to our image of love or, more specifically, our unconscious memory of the love given to us by our childhood caregivers, which means in most cases our parents. This memory forms the blue print for our future mate selection.

Do you remember what your idea of a perfect partner was? Perhaps you dreamed of someone kind, loving, caring; always there for you. You may have promised yourself that you would never marry someone like your father/mother. What we look for in a mate is someone who will provide us with what our caregivers failed to give us in childhood. However it is not our logical brain that chooses our mate but the unconscious memory, our Imago.

Say, for instance, you find your true love. This is the person who makes you feel cherished and complete. You settle down to-gether and life is wonderful..... for a while. After some time, perhaps two or three years, you realize that there is less romance in your relationship and more conflict. You find yourself stuck in hurtful patterns unable to find resolutions. For some the conflict is suppressed and you become silent enemies living parallel lives. Where, you wonder, is the person you married. Perhaps you made a mistake!

It may sound strange, but this scenario makes complete sense. Our childhood brain has memorized the positive and negative traits of our parents and then chooses the "perfect" mate. One with whom we will replicate the patterns of childhood. So, in-stead of marrying the person who will provide us with the unmet needs of childhood, we marry (again, unconsciously) the very person who will deprive us of those needs. This is nature re-minding us that we have unfinished business to take care of.

Let's take, for example, "Gail". She grew up in a home with an alcoholic father who, because of his drunkenness, could not hold a job and was never available to her. She swore she would never marry a drinker and, so, married a man who did not drink and was a hard worker. In fact, he worked long hours, which made him, just like her father, unavailable. Gail's husband, "James", grew up with a critical mother. No matter what he did, it was not good enough. Gail's complaints about her husband's unavailability touched off James' memory of his mother's critical voice. His response to this was to work even longer hours, and in fact be less available to Gail. Gail's and James' Imagos had created a dynamic that kept them mired in conflict.

The feelings experienced in conflict are usually familiar ones. People who feel sad, abandonned , lonely, etc. in childhood tend to have the same feelings in their adult relationships. Let us guess that Gail was feeling abandoned and James hurt: replications of their childhood wounds.

In the Imago process, this couple would be taught the "Intentional Dialogue", a communication skill which allows the couple to express their frustrations in a non-wounding way. The goal of the Imago therapist is to maintain safety in the session to enable the couple to explore their relationship and reach a deeper understanding of the source of their conflict. In this process, couples are able to see their relationship in a different light and develop compassion for themselves and each other. Imago teaches couples to change their response to inevitable power struggles from instant defensiveness into fulfilling each other's needs and regaining passion and joy. With the therapist as a guide, partners learn to become each others healers and to transform their relationship, over time, into that of their dreams.

Alice Malloy, M.S.W., C.S.W. is a Certified Imago Relationship therapist with
Advanced Clinican standing in Port Washington, New York
For information: Port Washington (Long Island) Office: (516) 767-3250
Email: alicemalloy@earthlink.net