Summer 1998
The "Self in Connection"1

The definition of the self has undergone drastic facelifts over the centuries. John Locke and his fellow empiricists described the self as a "tabula rasa" declaring the mind as a "white paper void of all characters, without any ideas" and influenced only by experience. I am thus a clean slate eagerly awaiting to be written upon, an impressionable sponge ready to feast on rational knowledge. To Darwinists, I am the culmination of thousands upon thousands of years of mutations, of being a perfect match for my environment, and directed by a survival code. To Freudians, I am an island, influenced by my own projections and driven by the sex and aggression instincts. To Kierkegaard, my existence, which precedes any essence, is consumed by a wretched fear of nothingness and I must reach that abyss of pure despair and surrender reason in order to make the leap of faith in God. To Marxists, I am swallowed up by social groups, institutions, and systems--declaring an absolute primacy of relationship over against any sense of an individuality. In contrast, the primacy of the individual in Western civilization of late has been resurrected and hallowed while severing the relational aspect of humans. I am, thus, self-contained, independent, and carry distinct boundaries.

Among other leading theories, Imago Relationship Therapy offers a relational view of the Self, a multi-layered, complex network of communicating subselves. Mirroring quantum physics, the essence of this Self is fundamentally complementary, both sides of which have equal weight. In turn, this complementary nature transcends the dual aspects into a dynamic, oscillating pulse, a continuous ebb and flow that create a third "reality" where, for instance, it maintains facets of the individual while maintaining an essential connectedness. It is not an "either/or" but a "both/and" recognizing the individuals of "I" and "you" and simultaneously the connection of "us" or "we."

Connection, thus, is the operational word in Imago Relationship Therapy. We are essentially connected to our self, to our context, to one another, and to the universe. But due to the emotional wounding we experienced along the developmental continuum, we can develop gaps in that connection resulting in a self-absorbed, fragmented, symbiotic self which externalizes through criticism, blame, hatred, projection, and the devaluation of the other.

As mental health practitioners, this is what we see played out between spouses in our office. It takes different forms--from addictions, affairs, abuse, despair, threats of divorce to a general feeling of unhappiness and emptiness--but essentially these couples all share the same diagnosis: "Loss of connection." Therefore, as Imago Therapists, our ultimate prognosis is to "restore connection." And our essential prescription is the "Couples Dialogue." By enabling to contain one's reactivity, create emotional safety, honor the otherness of the other to exist as an "I" distinct from "me," and establish differentiation through an empathic encounter, the Couples Dialogue promotes differentiation while restoring connection. It discovers the "I" distinct but within the "we," the "we" between the "you" and "I."

Through this relational lens, we find room for the Lockes and the Darwinists, the Freudians and Kierkegaards, and the Marxists and individualists. We find room to awe the beauty of diversity in our philosophical tenets, religious convictions, and life choices. Because underlying all of those perceived differences, we are essentially connected. We are "Self in Connection."

1 "Self-in-relation" and "differentiation within connection" are principles described in J.V. Jordan, A.G. Kaplan, J.B. Miller, I. Stiver & J.L. Surrey (Eds.), Women's Growth in Connection. (New York: Guilford Press, 1991.)